Inner Workings of Becky's Brain

THE END

2010-10-01T23:55:00.003-06:00

I'm officially done with this blog. If anyone feels the need to reach me, my email is bmarks92@gmail.com. But I won't hold my breath.

Happy Trails.

Role of Mercy

2010-09-30T21:47:00.002-06:00

Where do you think the role of the mercy of God comes in? If he IS involved in our lives, when should we expect mercy and when should we not? Are the rules black and white, with no room for error? Does the degree of difficulty come in to play? Where does mercy fit in the plan? Can only certain people expect mercy? Or are there situations when we can all expect mercy? What would those situations be? If we beg and cry for mercy and don't receive it, is it because we don't deserve it? Or is it because he just can't give it at that time? Or can he hear us beg and cry for it?

I'm serious in my questions here. I would love input, but not the standard, cliche, automatically regurgitated sunday school answers.

Fallen

2010-09-19T22:05:00.002-06:00

"Fallen"
Sarah McLauchlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

He's BAAaacccckkkk!!!!!

2010-09-01T10:33:00.005-06:00

I thought he was gone as he hadn't made an appearance in quite some time! But alas! He is still there! He's back! Oh how I've missed him!!

Last night, a little after 3:30am, I was awoken to the sound of Depeche Mode singing from my stereo in the living room. It's not the first time it's happened, but each time, my thought is that one of my cats must've brushed against it and turned it on. I sat up and looked around, but one was curled up at the foot of my bed with her ears perked up, and the other was sound asleep on her little cat tower. It finally hit me!!! Yay!!! He's back!

Like I said, this wasn't the first time this had happened. Your first thought may be that it's either faulty house wiring, faulty stereo, a charge in the electrical system or something like that. BUT let me tell you, it can't be, BECAUSE...

This all started in my last apt. So it can't be the wiring in the house. One night (in my old apt.), I was suddenly woken up by Eva Cassidy singing in the living room. It kinda freaked me out but I assumed it was the cat, turned it off and went back to bed. I didn't even think about seeing where the cat(s) were at the time. But a couple of weeks later, it happened again. I looked to see where the cats were that time, but they were asleep in other places. Creepy!! It happened a few times over a few months and I kind of started getting used to it. Then came Christmas time. One day, as I spent the day wrapping presents in the kitchen, I was feeling a little weird, and then throughout the day, I kept SWEARING I could see someone standing there out of the corner of my eye. Of course, there never was anyone there. That never happens to me, so it was really weird. But that night, once again, I woke up to the stereo on in the other room. I even had a witness while living in that apt. My mom was visiting one time, and we were sitting on the couch watching tv, when all the sudden it changed to a different station. We both looked around to see which of us was sitting on the remote, only to find it sitting all by its lonely self on the arm of the couch.

One move, into my new house later, and thinking it had to be the wiring in my old (in both sense of the word - old as in age, and old as in past) apt., I was surprised one day to be standing in the kitchen listening to music I had NOT just turned on. My first thought was "WHAT the hell?". But then I just kind of laughed. Then comes my next witness. I decided to have an alarm system installed in my house one day (stupid door to door salesman). As the salesman was sitting on my couch explaining the contract to me....you guessed it. The stereo suddenly turned on across the room. He stops mid-sentence and just looked at me. I simply said, "Sorry, that happens all the time."

Okay, so maybe it was the stereo. Maybe IT had faulty wiring in it (although that still wouldn't explain the TV episode). Months later, though, I purchased a new stereo - one that would dock my new iPod. All was quiet for a few months, but then what do you know, it happened again one night...on my new stereo. Okay, so I've just come to accept him. He obviously likes music, and generally to wake me up with it in the middle of the night. But he had disappeared, and hadn't visited in quite awhile. I was getting kinda sad thinking he was gone.

But, alas, he decided to visit again last night. Sigh....happy again.

The stereo & tv ghosts aren't my only ghostly encounters though....

I started my current job in November of 2000. I worked on the 6th floor. It was New Years Eve, and me and the lady I worked with were probably among a total of 5 people at work that day on the whole floor. It was very quiet. At lunch, I went down to the cafeteria to get some lunch. After lunch, I was on my way back up to my office, and I came around the corner to the elevator bank. There are 6 elevators. 3 on one side, and 3 on the opposite wall, facing the other 3. As I came around the corner, a man was getting in the far right elevator. I didn't want to hold him up, so I stopped by the up button and waited for his door to close and then hit the up arrow. Low and behold, his elevator popped right back open with a ding. I felt bad, since I'd obviously held him up, so I walked around the corner into the elevator ready to apologize, but there was NO ONE there!!!!!!!!! I just stood there staring, until the elevator closed. All the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and on my arms. I just stood there for a few minutes, thinking, "WHAT THE CRAP?" Well, so eventually I went back and punched the up arrow. But the same elevator popped open. There was NO way I was getting in that elevator! So I reached around the elevator door and pushed a button to send it up to one of the higher floors. THEN pushed the up arrow to get another elevator.

THEN, a few years later, after I had moved to a different building, with a different job, I walked out of our office area one day to go to the coffee room. As I walked out of our area into the hall, I saw a lady going into the coffee room. The room is pretty dang small, so I just stood outside the door for a minute, waiting for her to come out. But after a minute, I couldn't hear her doing anything, so I peeked in there to see what she was doing, and again....NO ONE THERE!!!!

Now, I KNOW I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy. It's weird, because I don't really believe in ghosts, but I have absolutely NO explanation for these happenings. I KNOW what I saw and I KNOW what I've heard. So....who knows.

As a side note....when I went to a psychic about a year or so ago, he told me that my brother told him that he likes to come visit once in awhile, that he moves his picture when he does, and that he was annoyed that I'd never noticed it before. Well, guess what. His picture is sitting on a shelf in my living room and I have to straighten the darn thing ALL the time!! It's always pushed sideways. Again, I assume it's the cats, but I have NEVER, EVER seen one of the cats up on that shelf. Never.

I think I'm just haunted!

Fall and Winter - I love you! Hurry please!

2010-08-30T22:17:00.004-06:00

Well, Wednesday will be September. And with September comes Fall. I get a little giddy anticipating Fall.

I love Fall, and I love the Winter that follows it.

The crispness of the cool air. The changing colors of the leaves. The rustle of those fallen leaves on the ground as you walk. Not having big trees and thus not having to rake a kajillion bags of leaves this year. (I think Dani has big trees now. Maybe I'll go help her rake this year...just for old times' sake.) Snuggling deep down under the covers for a nap or at bedtime. The smell and sound of the rain. Wearing comfy pajama pants and warm cozy sweatshirts. Fuzzy socks. The smell of snow. The silence of a fresh snowfall. Seeing your breath in the air when you breathe. Icicles. Lower water bills. Cuddling on the couch with a blanket and a good book. Watching the snow fall outside the window. The beauty of the snow covered trees when everything is a winter wonderland. The crunch of snow under your feet. The whole feeling in the air when it is or has snowed. Not having to be a sweat bomb by the time I arrive to work in the morning. That feeling of your nose freezing on the inside when it's REALLY cold. Christmas music. Christmas lights. Christmas shopping. Wrapping paper. All things Christmas.

Oh, I can't wait!!!!!

And to all you hot weather people...don't worry, the 100 degree heat will be back before you know it, just to make me miserable.

Some Clarification If You're Interested

2010-08-20T12:50:00.004-06:00

Cognitive Dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.
Dissonance increases with:
· The importance of the subject to us.
· How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
· Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

I think that a lot of my problems have stemmed from the fact that, for as long as I can remember my belief system did not match up with my experiences. My belief system, religion and faith were everything to me. It’s what my life was built around from the time I was born. All things in life were tied to that foundation. It’s what I put my trust in and where I went for strength beyond my own. I never thought that things could be any way other than the way I was taught that they were. But the things I was taught and believed never seemed to work for me for some reason. And when that happened, it was always inferred that it must be because I was lacking in something, that I wasn’t good enough or doing enough – that there must be something I needed to do better or more faithfully. That it had to somehow be my fault. SO, I would work harder. I would try to be better. I would try to do more. I would try harder to be perfect, thinking that when I was finally good enough, THEN things would work for me the way I was told they do. I tried to be obedient. I tried to do the things I was told to do and be who I was supposed to be. But no matter what I did, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever changed. Except that I would get more and more discouraged. More and more depressed. I realized perfection was expected before the gospel would work for me, but I knew that I would never be perfect, no matter how hard I tried. And therefore, I would never “make it”.

It didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t reconcile the contradictions in what I believed with my experience. If what I believed was true, it should work the way it says it does - it couldn’t be any other way. But it didn’t.

And that has been one of the biggest struggles in my life. It HAD to be true. So why didn’t it work for me? Was I just not special or important enough to be bothered with? Did I just not matter at all? Did how much I struggled and hurt and cried not mean anything? Was I just an insignificant nobody? That’s what I finally came to accept as my answer. That yes, my belief system must be true, it was just that I wasn’t good enough to be dealt with or to matter.

But…as you now know, over the last couple of years, my belief system has changed. I learned the concept of cognitive dissonance and realized that’s what I was dealing with. What I was experiencing was the exact definition of it. I held two very contradicting beliefs, and it was destroying me. But when I decided that I could no longer believe in the things I had always believed, my whole foundation was pulled out from under me. The things my whole life had been built on were suddenly gone, and it was the scariest thing I’d ever experienced.

Since then, I have been desperately struggling to figure out what it is I DO believe if I don’t believe in my old system anymore. I didn’t throw the baby out with the bath water, so I still held to some of the beliefs and doctrines that I’d always believed. But among them, there were STILL some things that I had trouble reconciling with my experience. I was still faced with the fact that if those things were true, they would work for me, and I would be experiencing those things in my life. But that still wasn’t the case.

But then, with the help of a very trusted individual, I’ve come to realize that truth is truth. It can’t be both ways. If it’s true, it’s true. If it’s not it’s not. Everyone thinks their beliefs are THE true and correct beliefs, and that everyone else is wrong. But not everyone can be right. Muslim people know that their religion is the truth. Christians know that their religion is the truth. But if Islam is the actual truth, Christianity can not be true. If Christianity is the actual truth, then Judaism can not be true. If Catholicism is the actual truth within Christianity, then the rest of the denominations have it wrong. But there is no actual way for ANYONE to know the real truth while in this life. We’ve all had the blinders put on us for now. We all just have to do the best we can with what we know and what we believe. And so to get rid of the cognitive dissonance that has been destroying me, I have to use my experience to decide what my beliefs are so that they are in synch with each other and I can be in a healthy place.

SO…..if you’re interested in knowing what conclusions I’m coming to…what I have to believe based on my experiences in life…

I believe in God. I believe that He is the creator of all things. I can not believe that all the intricacies of nature and biology and science “just happened”. I believe that He created us, and as such, He is our Father. I believe that Jesus Christ lived and died to atone for our sins, and save our eternal souls. I believe God loves us, as his children – but as a whole. As part of his vast creations. That he watches over the earth to make sure things don’t get out of control or whatever. But I can no longer believe that He knows each and every one of us individually. That He knows who we are, what we’re thinking and feeling. That He has plans for our individual lives that He is leading us through and that He is watching over us. That He hears, comprehends and responds to our individual prayers and thoughts…our hopes and our dreams… our joys and our sorrows. That He shows mercy to us in our individual lives and gives us comfort and eases our loads – alters our situations. I just can’t believe that anymore. Doing so has basically killed me. I think we’re pretty much on our own down here, with just our family and friends, to make what we can out of things and learn what we can while we’re here. But I think it’s just the domino affect of everyone’s individual decisions that make things happen the way they happen. There is no intervention to help one person and not another. Things just happen. One person swallows a bottle of pills that just don’t happen to metabolize properly – so they live - while another shoots themselves in the head – so they die. I think it’s that simple. Even if it's incredibly sad and frightening.

So I will just do the best I can. Live the best life I can. Try to dig down deep to find strength that I’m not sure is there, to endure this somehow. Try to be the best person, friend, daughter, sister and aunt that I can be. Try to help those I love get through their lives in one piece, as best they can. Try to get rid of the cognitive dissonance and somehow finally find peace and happiness in my life. And I’m sure that as I go through my life, different experiences will continue to shape my belief system. And I’ve learned that that’s okay.

P.S. Please don't think I'm trying to say that what any of you believe is invalid or stupid or anything like that at all. I'm simply sharing my experience, beliefs and struggles. Religion and spirituality are very personal things, and everyone has different ideas about it. You have the right to believe what you believe, and I respect that. Totally. Just like I have the right to believe what I believe. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm just sharing my thoughts on the road I'm on.

Update: Hairbrush

2010-08-10T21:11:00.002-06:00

P.S. My mom found the missing hairbrush. It was in a plastic sack buried under stuff on my dryer. Go figure.

Whatever....

2010-08-10T19:45:00.000-06:00

I STILL think it's, "Shooby-dooby-dooby DANCE."

Sorry...

2010-08-09T12:48:00.002-06:00

Okay. I realize that I only have 3 or 4 readers (pathetic, I know - I don't even know why I bother with this anymore...). And I realize that all 3 or 4 of you are active LDS (whether you are family or friends) and are very disappointed that I've chosen to take a different path in my life. I also realize that it's been the big, fat elephant in the room. I know how I would've felt had one of my friends or family made this decision a couple years ago. So I understand. Truly.

This puts me in a hard place because I'm now on this journey trying to figure things out -what I believe and don't believe - and I can't talk to my friends/family about it. I can't explain to them why I feel the way I do. I know that trying to do so makes them feel like I'm attacking the church and their beliefs. Or that I'm trying to drag them away from the church. I'm on the outside now, so I'm viewed as being "dangerous", "unfaithful" "apostate", "being lead astray" and a bad influence. Since I can't explain anything or even defend myself, everyone just thinks, "Oh, she's just not praying or reading her scriptures enough. She's been offended by someone. She just wants to sin. There must be something she just doesn't want to repent of. She just needs to get the Spirit back." And I just have to let them think that. Which is fine, I guess.

Like I said, I know the issue has been the elephant in the room, and discussion about it has been avoided. I've tip toed around it, trying not to bring it up, so that I don't make anyone uncomfortable.

Therefore, I realize now that I should not post any posts such as my last one anymore. These are things I'm just going to have to figure out on my own. I get that. None of you are on the same path as I am, so you have no way to understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling. Therefore, such thoughts as the ones I shared fly in the face of your beliefs and opinions. My intent was not to offend anyone...just looking for help to understand.

I think that different people find hope, peace, understanding in different places. That doesn't mean one is right over the other. It's just different. And good for them, wherever they find it. I happen to be one that hasn't found that yet. Not for lack of trying. But I don't believe that makes me a bad person. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on some issues.

BUT I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU ALL, AND I HOPE THAT YOU CAN ALL STILL LIKE ME FOR ME. CUZ I STILL LIKE YOU FOR YOU!!!

If you want to talk to me about anything, feel free to email me: bmarks92@gmail.com.

Thanks for listening!!

Suffering??

2010-08-05T12:52:00.002-06:00

There's a grasshopper slowly making his way up the window pane of my office. He's so patient and diligent in what he's trying to accomplish. Despite the fact that he's missing his big back leg. How difficult that must be for him. To be alone out in the world, trying to survive with such a severe handicap. He's just an innocent little bug. He's one of God's creations! And he's not here to be tried - to see what kind of decisions he's going to make in the face of his trials. He's a BUG, for crying out loud! Why would GOD let his innocent creations, from bugs to babies and children, SUFFER? They don't deserve it, and they can't even understand it! They hurt and are scared and they can't understand what's going on...they're just trying to survive.

Us adults.... We get it. We understand what pain is, and can usually understand why it's happening. And we can choose to either deal with it or not. But when innocent things...animals, bugs, people, fish...anything...have to suffer, it breaks my heart and I hate it. HATE IT. No, I'm not going to join PETA and throw buckets of blood and paint on people. But it makes me SO SAD. I don't understand it.

I'm always at conflict with myself over eating meat. I don't like much meat and don't eat much...but when I see, say, a cow grazing in a field, I think, "He's just minding his own business, trying to live his life, being happy in his field, and someone's going to take him into a barn one of these days and slash his throat. He'll be scared, and in pain, and won't understand what's going on until he's gone." And I feel so horrible.

Why does it have to be this way? Why do innocent beings have to suffer? I get it - that we're here to be tested, etc. and that we have to learn pain, etc. blah, blah, blah. But how does that relate to the little two year old boy that wandered away from his house, in his pajama top and his diaper, into the desert to die alone. Scared. Confused. Hungry. Cold. Crying for his mom. Until he's gone. How does that teach him a lesson??? Or the little girl in an African village that has to watch her parents murdered in front of her and has to stay in their hut, waiting, not understanding why her mommy won't wake up...hungry, alone, scared, and in pain until she starves to death. What does she learn from that? What lesson is the little grasshopper supposed to learn by having to deal with the pain of having his leg ripped off and having to live without one of his major appendages for the rest of his life - until he's eaten by a bird or squished by someone's foot or their car?

I'm sorry. I know we're supposed to have blind faith in God and just accept the fact that "we just don't understand everything in this life." But that just seems so trite to me. He's God. He could explain it to us easy enough. It wouldn't change the fact that we had to go through it and deal with it. We just might understand a little better and get the purpose. So you'll have to forgive me for getting a little angry sometimes (or a lot of times). Because I do. I get angry that we're put down here and left all alone to go through all of this crap when we can't even understand what's going on. I wouldn't have a baby just to take it out into the wilderness, lay it down on the ground, and say, "Okay. You're on your own now. This is a test to see if you can do the right thing in face of the problems you'll face. See you later." and leave. So why would God, who is supposedly our Father, do that to us and his other creatures that he puts here? Send us here, all alone to suffer, to be afraid, to be sick, to be tired, and to have to try to figure out what in the hell is going on...alone. With no help. No matter how much we call out for it.

My Own Personal Help Desk

2010-08-01T18:36:00.002-06:00

I'm so glad that I have my own personal help desk. I don't know how he knows it all, but my little brother is a computer GENIUS! No matter what I ask him, he always knows the answer! How does he DO that!? He didn't study computers or anything in school. He just KNOWS! He's always been super smart, but he will never believe you when you tell him that. But I'm telling him AGAIN!! "HE'S A BRAINIAC, BRAINIAC, THAT'S FOR SURE!" :)

LOVE YOU LITTLE BROTHER!!

(have i asked you about my volume issue yet??) ;)

Escape of the New Hairbrush

2010-07-17T16:12:00.004-06:00

Hmmm.....So, I had one of those hair brushes with the gel handle, so it was nice and squishy and comfortable for my hands during all those hair-doing hours. Well, somehow, it got a hole in it (my cat is the prime suspect), so it gooshes goo and it's kinda got goop all over the handle. SO I broke down and bought a brand new sparkling hair brush. It was teal and so pretty. BUT all of the sudden, it has completely disappeared. I have looked high and low and can't find it anywhere!!! Where does a hairbrush GO??? Did it sprout legs and run away somewhere? I mean seriously!! Where could it be? I'm completely perplexed. (insert head scratch here) Anyone out there seen a stray hairbrush running down the street somewhere?

Now I have to go back to the GOOPY brush till I get to the store again....

SO touching

2010-07-16T20:00:00.005-06:00

http://vimeo.com/13394142

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-pMWqAWd8

THIS is why I LOVE So You Think You Can Dance. SO touching.

Cats!!

2010-07-16T19:22:00.000-06:00

I can hear my cats making an absolute mess in the other room - I think they've gotten into the garbage - but I just can't muster up the energy to go see what they're up to.... I'll just tell them to clean up after themselves when they're done having fun.

We'll Miss You Alex!!

2010-07-09T13:09:00.003-06:00

I'm all about So You Think You Can Dance right now. Well, my love has been dampened a little, with the departure of Alex from the competition. Alex tore his achilles tendon during rehearsal last week, and has to have surgery this next week. Therefore, he's had to leave the competition. He was SO my favorite to win. I loved to watch him. I could watch his Hip Hop with Twitch a million times and not get tired of it.

So NOW, I don't know who I want to win. I like everybody!! There's no one left that I don't like. I don't want any of them to get kicked off now!! I 'm so confused!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IjP9IV2S7g&feature=related

50 "Fun Facts" About Me

2010-06-28T23:19:00.035-06:00

Okay, so not too long ago, my friend, Shannon, posted 50 "fun facts" about herself on her blog. She challenged me to do the same. I resisted for awhile because i knew I couldn't come up with 10, let alone 50. But I started trying, and it took awhile, but I finally made it. Some are cheap attempts, and some are not so fun or interesting....I was struggling a bit. So I apologize. And these are probably nothing you don't know already.

I know that some of you will not like a couple of these, and I'm sorry. Honestly. Just know I am still the same person....just needed to break the mold once in awhile.

So here goes:

1. I watch 5 TV shows regularly: Glee, Grey's Anatomy, Parenthood, True Blood and So You Think You Can Dance. That's it. Although, I did miss the last season of SYTYCD. That was sad. Oh yeah, and I LOVE Flight of the Conchords, but I don't get to watch it. :(

2. I'm thinking about getting a second job. Don't know where yet.

3. I once had some humorous extra-cirricular activities in the night time (that I had no memory of) while taking Ambien.

4. I never once had detention or got sent to the principal's office in school.

5. I hate the heat. I wish it would go from Fall, to Winter, to Spring, and back to Fall. Maybe I should move to Alaska.

6. I don't remember ANYTHING about the last book I read.

7. I've had stitches twice, sprained both ankles so bad the doctors said it would've been better if I'd have broken them, and have broken a rib.

8. I passed a kidney stone - I thought I was dying. And I have one still up there, waiting to wreak more havoc.

9. One of my good friends thinks I'll make a bad mom. They might be right. Maybe that's why I'm not one.

10. I HATE when people try to make other people feel stupid.

11. My best friend cracks me up all the time. She's always good for some entertainment!

12. I've been skydiving a few times and I LOVE it!! I want to take the training and get licensed. I've also been repelling, and that was a blast. But I would NEVER go bungee jumping!!!

13. My favorite kind of candy when I was little was Whatchamacalit candy bars. But somewhere along the line it changed to Twix's. MMMM.......

14. I absolutely detest tomatoes. I can eat ketchup, and tomato sauce, but no tomato chunks, seeds or guts can be present anywhere in the vicinity.

15. When I was little, I hated cleaning my room, until one day I got the idea of counting how many things were actually on my floor. So I got a calculator, and added everything as I picked it up. That way I could marvel at exactly how many things were actually on my floor when I was done.

16. I'm a huge procrastinator. I put things off a lot. I eventually get around to taking care of everything, but just not right away. I have to wait until I'm in the mood....which can sometimes take a long time.

17. I HATE touching raw meat. It totally grosses me out. So I rarely eat meat at home - cuz that means I have to fix it...maybe that's why my protein levels showed low on my last blood work....

18. I LOVE chatting with a few of my good friends online at night.

19. I love it when my kitties snuggle with me. :)

20. I'm TOTALLY Team Edward, but I think Jacob is cuter.

21. I read all three of the the first Twilight books in under a week.

22. I've never gotten to watch fireworks with a sweetheart. I know, Poor me.

23. I have a tattoo of Kermit the Frog on my back, right shoulder. It's actually Kermit as Bob Kratchit, with his nephew frog (i think his name is Robin, but not sure) as Tiny Tim sitting on his shoulder. I want another one soon....they're kind of addicting. Any suggestions?

24. I'm having HUGE trouble coming up with anything about myself, let alone anything "interesting"....I'm just not a very interesting person. :/

25. I have a rather large inferiority complex. I think I was born with it cuz I've had it as long as i remember.

26. I've thought long and hard, and I don't think there's anything that could truly make me happy or satisfied with life. I find that very sad.

27. I won a belching contest in my Chemistry class in high school...even against all the guys. My four brothers taught me well.

28. I'm very non-judgmental, not much bothers me...and I hate it when people judge me.

29. I think my chiropractor is sexy. ;)

30. I went to a psychic who told me Mr. Right will make his appearance sometime within the next 18 months. He better as hell be right!!!

31. One of the first things I'm going to ask about when I get to the other side is what dreams are. What purpose do they serve? Where do they come from? Sometime they're so random! And they'll include people you haven't seen or thought about in 20 years! I don't get it! (next question will be who killed Jon Benet.)

32. Speaking of dreams, I HATE dreaming. Either they're good and then I'm really ticked off when I wake up and realize it's not real, or they're bad, and....well they're bad. I wish I could just turn off the dreaming mechanism in my head.

33. I spent half my childhood sitting at the dinner table because I wouldn't eat what was served for dinner. First it would be "eat it" then, "take a few bites" then "take one bite" then "just take a really small bite", then "just stick your tongue to it!" But I'd never give in...pretty soon, it'd be bedtime and I'd just be sent to bed. My poor parents. I'm a very picky eater. There are so many things I don't like, and I'm very unlikely to try something new, because I just assume I don't like it. It makes it difficult to order at restaurants sometimes or to eat at someone else's house. I hate it. I wish i was a person that would eat anything (within reason).

34. I got drunk for the first time on St. Patricks Day. It was fun. It took lots of vodka to make it happen though!!!

35. I'm currently trying to figure out what I think about religion...what I believe and don't believe. It's incredibly hard to do. It's kinda like a mid-life religious crisis. I'm a little angry at God and am trying to figure out what, if any, relationship we have with him. None of it makes any sense. Any advice?

36. I screen my calls. If I don't know who's calling, I don't answer it - just let it go to voice mail.

37. When I went to New York the first time to see my old roommate, we wanted to do something a little crazy and rebellious. So we ended up going to an Off-Broadway show called "Naked Boys Singing". It was an all nude male revue. It was hilarious!! We laughed SO hard!

38. I really want to learn how to shoot. I want to buy a hand gun soon, and spend some time at the shooting range. I got approved for a concealed carry permit, just never went and picked it up. Probably have to go through the whole process again now.

39. When I'm casually writing, I tend to use "..." WAY too much. I just like it. It gives the pause you could insert when speaking, but can't really when writing, without using the "...".

40. I don't know if "..." has a name. But I bet Shannon does, because she's the grammar & punctuation police!

41. I once stumbled, flailed around most ungracefully and then fell flat on my face mid-sentence during a perfect, romantic, evening walk with a CUTE guy that I had a major crush on. He then fell down laughing and we laughed so hard till we were crying and couldn't breathe.

42. Amazingly enough, the same guy asked me out again and while he ran in to check movie times, I was chewing on a pen. I didn't realize it had exploded in my mouth until he got back in the car and his eyes got REALLY wide and he asked, "WHAT is all over your face?????" Needless to say, I was HORRIFIED.

43. He never asked me out again. Are you shocked? Yeah, didn't think so - me neither.

44. One time in college, my roomates and I were hungry and wanted pizza but had no money. So we called up the pizza place and told them we'd make out with the delivery guy if they gave us a free pizza. They agreed!!!!!! HA!!

45. I'm 35 and I've only been in (real) love one time.

46. My least favorite chore in the whole wide world is folding laundry. The clean laundry can sit in baskets till it's all been worn again and the basket is empty again.

47. I worked with a guy for years, and was alone with him all the time, that ended up being a serial rapist and then killed a girl. He's on the Idaho death row now.

48. When I lived in Salt Lake with a couple roommates, we once had a plumber that came to our apt to fix the leaking toilet. Only he ended up putting a hamster up is rear, stripping naked (thus showing off the duct tape placed across his rear to prevent said hamster from escaping), tying himself up to my roommates bed, and getting his jollies.

49. Even when I'm exhausted, I never want to go to bed because once I fall asleep, the next thing I know, it'll be morning and time to get up again, and I have to do the whole day all over again....I like to stay up late to put that off as long as possible.

50. I will never turn down an opportunity to go to Olive Garden. And I don't need a menu. I get the same thing EVERY time! Why go against the norm and risk not liking something, and wasting a perfectly good chance to have my absolute favorite - chicken alfredo??? That would be tragic!

I Think I'll Try Defying Gravity

2010-04-06T09:03:00.003-06:00

Defying Gravity - Wicked
Lea Michele and Chris Colfer (Glee)

http://www.gleesongs.com/lea-michele-chris-colfer-defying-gravity/

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing
by the rules Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try Defying gravity
I think I'll try Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
and you won't bring me down

East to West

2010-03-28T20:16:00.004-06:00

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
Just how far, the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

-Casting Crowns - East to West
Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo

Caffiene vs Sleeping Meds

2010-03-21T22:40:00.003-06:00

I wonder if the diet coke I'm drinking counter-acts the sleeping medication I just took....Hmmm....

shih tzus

2010-03-21T16:40:00.003-06:00

Shih tzus are ugly, little, yappy dogs that make you just want to kick them. I mean, if you're going to have a dog, get a REAL dog, for crying out loud! Get a German Shepherd or a Golden Retriever or a
Rotweiler or a Husky. Those are real dogs. So even though they stink and poo everywhere, they're at least something that could protect you if need be. My old neighbors had two and I could never enjoy being in my back yard because all I heard was, "yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap!!!!!!!" It drove me nuts!!! If I could tell the owners weren't out there, I'd spray them with the hose.

That's all. Just thought I'd share.

Faith

2010-03-12T21:51:00.007-07:00

(KG suggested that I blog about my thoughts on faith.)

The Wikipedia definition of faith is: The confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing. And from Dictionary.com: a belief not based on proof. So to combine them, it would be: The confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept, thing or belief that can not be proven.

The various things we have faith in are not provable. But am I not correct when saying they should still be able to withstand scrutiny? It says the person, concept, thing or belief should be trustworthy. So what if you feel that the person, concept, thing or belief that you are supposed to have faith in is not trustworthy? What if your experience shows that it is not worthy of your trust? If you had a friend that always told you that they'd be there for you but never was when you really needed them, would you consider that friend trustworthy? If you had a friend that told you they would never get mad at you, but then gave you the silent treatment, would you consider that friend trustworthy? When you scrutinize those two situations, you have to come to the conclusion that they are not. Therefore, you couldn't really have faith in them. They would be proven unfaithful. But what if you knew that a large percentage of the world would line up in front of you and testify that they are trustworthy - that they are the only people that you actually trust in all things. Would that not create cognitive dissonance? You know know they are faithful yet you feel they have not been faithful to you.

Okay. So what do we do about having faith in God? We can not prove God's existence. We have evidence of him in many things, but no proof. One of those evidences is the bible. The bible is full of promises to us. If I weren't so tired and lazy, I'd look up a few of them. But you know all the ones I'm talking about. So what do you do when you do not see proof of the promises made by God? If he promises you comfort, and you beg and plead for it but do not receive comfort, what does that mean? If he promises to be there for you when you need him, but then is silent when you DO need him, what does that mean? In the instances before, we decided that would mean that he's not trustworthy and therefore unfaithful.

But how dare I say God is unfaithful? We go to church and are reminded every time that God is faithful to us. But does that mean He is? We're told he would never abandon us, but what if he does? What if when you really need him, you get none of the help or comfort from him that you beg and plead for? What are you to think? Can we really have faith in those promises? If something is true, it's true. If it's not, it's not. I believe in God. I do. But I do not understsand him. I feel as if I shouldn't be able to trust him right now, because I feel none of the comfort or support that he has promised and that I so desparately need from him.

When I bring this up, I'm usually told, "No, to have faith in God means you just trust him to do what's right for you and accept his will." But where does it say that? I don't see that anywhere . Maybe it's just that none of those scriptures are coming to mind at the moment. But that's not one of the definitions of faith. Someone must have said that once and it just hung on.

And what do you do when your faith goes unacknowledged? How do you keep hoping (related to faith) if your hope is never rewarded? Do you just hope that one day it will be, even though it hasn't so far? I don't understand. I sure wish I could, because it would be so much better to be able to have faith.

But I can't right now. When I need him the most, all I get is silence. Time and time again. Everytime. Silence from the heavens. How do you trust someone that's let you down? (And I know a lot of you should know because I know I let a lot of you down. So how do YOU do it ?)

Ideas?

2010-03-12T21:08:00.002-07:00

Okay...so the reason I don't blog very much is because it's so hard to come up with things to talk about. So since you all want me keep blogging, in the comments below, please give me some ideas of what you'd like to hear my thoughts on, if anything. That would be helpful. Once I have a topic, I can run with it. It's coming up with the topic that I get stuck on.

Cookies

2010-03-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Remember what I said about cookies before? Yeah. That.

How do you...? (YOU asked for it!!!!!)

2010-03-10T20:40:00.004-07:00

So humor me a little, and Riddle me this (hypothetically of course!):

How do you go about creating a whole new belief system in your life after the old one has just been pulled out from under you?

How do you decide what you do and don't believe now that the old belief system is not telling you what you do and don't believe?

How do you take each issue of doctrine and decide whether or not you think it's right or wrong?

How do you decide what YOU think is right and wrong without having someone hang fear and guilt over your head at all times?

How do you go from being frantic your whole life over the requirement to be perfect, to REALLY knowing and understanding that you don't have to be perfect, that you can just be the best person that you can, and not worrying about the rest?

How do you get people to start seeing you for who you are and not just by your blind obedience factor?

How do you FIGURE OUT who you are after you no longer adhere to the blind obedience factor?

How do you get people to see you as an individual that has the rights and ability to make their own decisions for themselves and decide what they think is best in their life?

How do you figure out what you actually want out of life after you've stopped letting others tell you what you want?

And once you figure out what you want out of life, how do you go about doing it when you're the weakest person you've ever come into contact with???

How do you know how to deal with all the questions and all the answers swirling around in your head all the time?

I mean, how do we know anything?

How do I know that I'm not actually dead and in hell right now?

Cuz that's what it feels like.

Fine - Here's Your Poll

2010-03-10T19:15:00.003-07:00

Okay, fine. I don't remember how to do a poll so we'll just do this informally...

Who thinks I should quit the blog and who thinks I should keep it? Please use the comments to voice your opinion.

Muchas Gracias.

THE END

2010-03-10T12:29:00.002-07:00

Yikes. I was just going to put "THE END" and then "Buh Bye" but I figured some people would probably take that wrong

So by popular demand, I'm saying "THE END" of my blog and therefore, "Buh Bye".

Cog Dis

2010-02-28T19:49:00.002-07:00

Cognitive Dissonance - an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.

It's the story of my life. My brain can't agree on anything whatsoever. It's at constant battle with itself. Imagine my discomfort.

Bad Times

2010-02-13T23:53:00.002-07:00

Wow. (understatement of the year) It's been a crazy few weeks. Life is such a struggle sometimes. I know I'm not alone in that - I know everyone faces really difficult things at some time or another. I do want to apologize for not having had any entries for awhile. I've just been going through a really hard time and didn't want be to writing a bunch of negative stuff, and most of you don't want to hear it anyway. If I'd been writing all the things I wanted to write, you'd all be....thinking, "yikes"! So I just haven't written. Even now, I don't know what to write.

First, for those of you that were following my adoption plans, you can stop. I've had a few personal setbacks, and its going to have to be pushed back for awhile. I don't know that it will ever happen now. It's hard to say. It won't if some people have anything to say about it...

I so envy all those people whose lives have went perfectly according to plan. Married at 20, 4 kids by the time they're 30. Great professional jobs, big house, nice new cars, great social lives, and just plain healthy, happy lives. I want that. I want to feel good. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I don't want to be tired anymore. I don't want to feel nervous all the time anymore.

I don't want to be afraid any more. I don't want to be afraid any more.

OT - Rant!

2010-01-20T18:27:00.005-07:00

I have a "rant" to make!

My "rant" is about friends that write "rants" about their other friends just to make them feel stupid. Just to make them feel like somehow they should be embarassed of themselves or that they are lesser of a person. They take one little sensitive issue about someone and blow it all out of proportion all for the entertainment of their friends. And like the targeted friends are just plain too dumb to know that the "rant" is about them. Just because it SOMETIMES makes you feel bad when you think no one cares enough to acknowledge the things going on in your life, that doesn't make you a pathetic person! And said Friend only thinks that's pathetic because they have a kabillion friends that comment on everything they do. They could post that they are in the midst of picking a big fat booger from their nose and they'd have 20 comments in five minutes. They don't know what it's like to be invisible!

BUT don't worry, friend, I still love you. Kind of.

Post 12 - Hello?

2010-01-20T09:13:00.002-07:00

Well, I turned in my application package last Wednesday. Yay!!! The man said someone would call me pretty quickly. It's a week later. I freak every time the phone rings. It's never them. I'm still waiting. When will they call? You don't know? Huh. Me neither. Dang it.

On another note, my pumpkin soy chai latte is burning my face off. It doesn't tickle.

The End

Post 11 - Today is the Day!

2010-01-13T12:23:00.002-07:00

Dr. appt today where I'll get my last reference form and then directly to the Health & Welfare office to submit my application!!! I can't believe it! I hope I get to talk to someone at least briefly to get some of my questions answered.

Post 10 - Patience is a Virtue

2010-01-11T12:34:00.003-07:00

Patience is a virtue. I know it, but I sure don't feel it. I feel impatient. Very impatient. You'd think that all the waiting I've done in my life would have made me an extremely patient person, but it seems to have done the exact opposite. I seem to have no tolerance for waiting! Why is that? No, seriously. I'd like to know. That was not a rhetorical question, so speak up. ;) How have I not learned the lesson of having patience yet? Am I that stubborn? (Dear family - you're not allowed to answer that question.) I don't TRY to be. I guess it's in the genes and just happens. And I think that gene gets stronger with each generation. Ha! I'm adopting, so maybe I can end the cycle! Wow. Didn't think of that. Pretty cool.

Still haven't heard from Dr. #2 yet. I have EVERYTHING else done. I can turn in everything once I have this one teeny weeny, itsy bitsy form! (Whimper) So everyone out there (the one person that reads this), focus your energy out into the universe and tell it to have the doctor's office call today saying it's done. I may have to be put in a home before this is all over. You think I'm kidding, don't you? Ha.

Post 9 - I Give

2010-01-10T15:23:00.005-07:00

Okay, okay. So that was a bad mood day, and I realized that no one is even reading this stupid thing. But I guess, in my first post, I said you could read it or not, that it was more for me. So I did give you express permission to ignore this. I guess I'll keep writing, even if it is only to myself. :p

So not much to update. My first doctor signed the papers, although his comments aren't exactly what I'd want them to be. I don't know how much they'll help. But it is what it is and I took it along with a blank form to my GP, and he'll fill it out. I took it on Thursday, I think, so they should call any day. I have an appt with him on Wednesday, so that would be the latest I'd get it.

So tonight I am putting all the finishing touches on my bio, so it'll be already when the dr. notes are ready.

I'm so anxious. My stomach is just churning all the time. I can't not think about it. But this next week should bring lots of progress. I hope to get my application turned in, get registered for the PRIDE training classes, and maybe meet with my social worker for the first time.

So I'll keep you posted, k? (Or I guess I should say I'll keep myself posted, okay?) :)

Post 8 - Nevermind

2010-01-08T09:39:00.003-07:00

Post 7 - Thanks a Lot

2010-01-07T22:01:00.003-07:00

My Dr. may as well have written, "the chic is a lunatic" across my paperwork. I'm sure it's gonna help my case a lot. Why did he even agree to sign it?

Sigh.

Post 6 - Roller Coaster Day

2010-01-04T23:33:00.004-07:00

Well, the day did not start off very promising. I'm usually late to this dr., and so today I left in plenty of time. ONLY, I got pulled over on South Cole. Apparently my registration had been cancelled because I didn't get my emissions tested, like you're required to do. Luckily, though, the cop was nice, and let me off with a warning to get it done (as well as change my address on my registration and driver's license - oops). So off I go again. I'm still okay on time, but a little bit more pressed. Then, off of Cole, instead of getting on the freeway to Eagle Rd., I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, and got on the connector like I was going to work! So then I had to go up to the next exit at Franklin, and turn around (but first you have to wait through a couple of long lights). Well, I walked in the door at exactly 9:00. Whew...

THEN, i talked to the dr. about how the medication was doing, as usual, and blah blah blah. So at the end, I brought up the adoption application paperwork again, "remember last time when we talked about.....?" And he AGREED to sign them!!! He said he'd fill the form out tomorrow!! I was in shock because I fully expected him to make me wait longer! But he thought my depression was in control enough to sign them! He thinks I'm sane enough to have kids!! ;) Wow!!! I am so excited!!! Now I'll finally be able to turn in my application. And then I can wait some more!!! I can't wait to wait!!

Prayer works, folks! And thanks for all of yours! (prayers)

(and then to top it all off, BSU won the Fiesta Bowl - I think it was just to give me a near perfect day!) ;)

Post 5 - First Do or Die Day

2010-01-03T19:07:00.002-07:00

Well, tomorrow morning is my Dr. appt. I'll get to know what he has to say about signing off on the paperwork. I have to trust God on this one, but....... grrrr...how do i reconcile what i want with what He wants. HE'D BETTER SIGN OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post 4 - One More Down - A Million to Go

2009-12-27T18:13:00.004-07:00

Well, one more step completed. I went to the Dept of Health and Welfare on the 24th and had my fingerprints done. So, now they'll start my background check. It should only take about a week. My background is pretty dang boring, so it shouldn't take them long to realize there's absolutely nothing there.

My next step is the one I'm most afraid of though. My application is all ready to turn in, but first my doctor has to sign off on the form, attesting that I'm healthy and fit to adopt a child. I'm worried because of my history with depression. It hasn't been very long since I've been feeling good again. I'm scared that he's going to make me wait, kind of like a probationary period, to make sure I really am good, before signing off. But I'm SO excited, and the process is already SO long. If I have to add more time to it, I'm going to be SO disappointed. Every day that I have to wait, is one more day that my children have to spend in foster care, without someone that truly loves them. I love them already, even though I haven't met them and don't know where they are. I thought about them so much over Christmas. I'm sure my family is sick to death of hearing about it. But I can't help it. It's like I'm emotionally pregnant (except I don't have a due date, which makes it that much harder!).

So, if you're the praying kind, please pray that 1) my medication will continue to work, and I will not decline again, back into the "pit of despair", and that 2) my doc. will agree to sign off, even if it's contingent on me not declining again (which won't happen because of #1). I go in on Jan 4th, so next Monday morning. I might croak of anxiety before then, though.

Post 3 - Panic

2009-12-22T20:01:00.003-07:00

For those of you who are parents....flash back to this: It's the first few minutes after you have brought your very first newborn home with you, you get the car seat out of the car, bring the baby in, and you're all smiling and content, until suddenly it starts crying and you have no idea what to do with it. You suddenly have the realization that this is YOURS, it's just you and your spouse, and YOU are responsible for this person for the next 20 years or so - that YOU are responsible for it GETTING it to 20 years old - alive and well. That must be the most panicky feeling ever. I can't imagine. I mean, I had a very small, and I mean small, version of that even when i brought my kitten home!

Today, I was thinking about this whole adoption thing, and I started to panic. What on EARTH am I thinking???????? That question resounded through my mind like an echo in the Grand Canyon and I started to get that sick feeling in my stomach. How on EARTH do I think I'm going to raise one, let a lone two children? And by myself? What? Who am I to think I could do this? Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mother, and that's why God didn't give me the chance to be one. Would they even like or accept me? Do I have the capability to deal with children that come from such a damaging past? And the questions kept coming.

BUT THEN I thought, ya know, I will probably get this feeling, and think these thoughts a million and a half times throughout this process. And that's okay. I'd be pretty stupid if I just whizzed through this without a second thought, assuming it was the right thing, without even considering the details. So I think it's a good thing to be a little unsure of myself. As long as I know this is the right thing, I know it will work out JUST FINE. I have great friends, family and GOD to support me. And that's so important. So thank you all for being my friends........

But seriously. How am I going to do this?????????

Post 2 - Can I reserve two children please?

2009-12-19T21:02:00.007-07:00

Did you know that there are online photolistings of "waiting children"? Children waiting to be adopted? I didn't until I started this process, and now I don't think there's been a single day that I haven't been on a couple of the major sites. I think I'm obsessed. And that's not GOOD!!! "They" say that it's not good to look at the photolistings until your homestudy's done and you're ready to be matched. And now I know why, and of course I didn't listen! Why, oh why didn't I listen?? You absolutely fall in LOVE with certain kids, but you can't even submit an inquiry without a completed homestudy. There are a few sibling pairs that I wish I could bring home RIGHT now!! And I just have to sit here helpless and get really annoyed because I know they'll be matched with someone else before I can get there. I wish you could put a reserve on them! This is going to be an agonizing wait, as I check the listings each day to see if certain ones are still there and have to wonder if they're already taken but the site just hasn't been updated. I keep trying to remind myself that God already knows who my children will be, and he will arrange for me to get them, so I need to just relax, go with the flow and not be anxious (Philippians 4:6). But from now on, I think maybe I'll follow "their" advice.

Post 1 - Let The Waiting Begin....

2009-12-17T21:59:00.005-07:00

And the waiting begins....Wait, wait, wait, and then wait some more. Hurry up and wait. I'm going to be doing a lot of waiting for the next while. And if you know me well, you'll know that I do NOT like to wait for something I REALLY want. When I decide I want something, I want it NOW. Not in 6 or 12 months. I feel like that's all I've done, my whole life - wait. And I'm about to do it some more. The process that I'm undertaking is surely a slow one, but will it be worth it in the end? Oh, it will be SO worth it!!!! I'm going to use this blog as kind of a journal while I do the waiting. Read it, or don't. That's up to you, obviously. I need to write it for myself. Now, you're asking yourself what in the world I am talking about, aren't you? Well, some of you are. Some of you already know. Well, let me fill the rest of you in.

I am in the application process to adopt a child (or children) out of the foster care system (I may take a sibling pair). I'm so excited. I can't even explain how excited I am. But I know that the first thing most of you will say is that just by saying that, it sounds like I'm looking at this through rose colored glasses and am expecting something from the movie Annie. Please be assured that I'm not. I've been doing a lot, and I mean A LOT, of reading, and I know it's not going to be easy. Just a bit ago, my sister said adopting out of foster care is like a calling. Not everyone could do it. And a lot of people won't understand why I'm doing it. For more than one reason. And I know some of you that I've shared this with already don't. And that's okay. I don't need everyone to understand. I KNOW this is something I'm supposed to do, and I'm going to. Unless something happens and I'm not approved, I am doing this. I hope most of you will be excited for me. If not, I'm sorry. But maybe you can still support me? Be there for me? Because I'm going to need my friends to lean on. Before and after. It will be an emotional process. But somewhere out there, tonight, my kid(s) are slipping off to sleep, not knowing that they'll soon be in a home with someone that truly loves them.

I have my application done, and am putting the final touches on the bio I have to write. I need to get it turned in, and get my finger prints taken. The last thing I have to do is get my doctors to sign off on it. Once it's all in, the home study starts, and I'll start the 27 hours of required training. The home study can take anywhere from one month to a year. It's hard to know. But there's not a heck of a lot in my background, so I hope it'll be quick. Once your home study is done, you're ready to start looking for a child or children to be matched with. That will be such an amazing day - the day I know who my kids will be.

So I ask for your prayers as I go through this process. That God will give me the children I'm supposed to have. That he will give me the patience to go through this process. And if for some reason, this process fails, then I'll ask you to pray for me because I will be so heartbroken. Bless you all and will talk to you soon.

:(

2009-10-23T13:16:00.001-06:00

Doc says no more Ambien for me.

My Ambien Escapades

2009-10-19T12:22:00.007-06:00

Okay, so I was told I had to put this story on my blog, if nothing else, to record it for posterity. It IS a pretty good story after all. I'm still laughing about it.

PROLOGUE: So, last weekend, I had some people over that brought along their own drinks to share to have a relaxing afternoon. And when they had left, I noticed someone had left two bottles of hard lemonade in the fridge. (For those that know me well, I'm not a drinker.)

AND NOW TO THE STORY: I've been quite the insomniac lately. I had a doctors appointment on Friday morning, and we were talking about that very fact, so he gave me a few samples of Ambien CR to try, to see if they would help me sleep a little better. Since it was the weekend, I took one that night, and turned out the light about 45 minutes later, ready for a great night of peaceful slumber.

Saturday morning, I didn't wake up until 11:00am. I was so impressed!! Before I even moved, I grabbed my phone and texted my sister "Wow. I heart ambien cr." But after I sent it, I noticed there was a little more unidentified text above what I had written. It said this:

"well I tiik

I took the cymbs
Lta"

.....We both thought "What the...??" And after we laughed for a minute, we decided that I must've tried to sleep text her to say that I had taken the ambien, but couldn't quite get it out. (ha ha!) So we got quite a chuckle over that.

So then as I go to put my phone down on my nightstand, I look over, and what do my eyes behold sitting there? An EMPTY bottle of hard lemonade!!! It took a second for it to sink into my mind. ....Ummmmm... WHAT??!!! Oh my gosh!!! You have no idea all the things flew through my mind. I texted my sister back to report the latest development. She's a worrier, so of course she's freaking out. I'm busting up laughing. Because though I MUST have drank it, I have absolutely no recollection of it! What a strange feeling! Now that would already be funny if that was the end of the story. But wait...there's more.

I finally go to get out of bed, and I find myself thinking, "Gee, I could've SWORN I wore my pink fleece pajama pants to bed last night." So... uhhh....why were they not on my body?? I looked under the covers, not there. On the floor, not there. Checked the bathroom, not there. Laundry, not there...So I walk out into the living room, and lo and behold, there they are, sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor. "ooooookayyyyyyyy...." Very Interesting. About that time, I started wishing I'd had a hidden camera set up. I'm SO wishing I could've been a fly on the wall.

Finally, I'm going to go to get in the shower, so I walk in the bathroom and I stop and stare. Because what do I see on the bathroom counter? Not one, but TWO hard lemonade bottlecaps!! TWO??? So I go back to the kitchen, open the door to the fridge, and find that the second one is missing as well!! "Wow!! Did I have a solo PARTY last night, or what??!!" I am totally cracking up at this point but then it only gets worse, because I looked everywhere and absolutely couldn't find the second bottle! What in the WORLD!!?? My sister's telling me to look out in my yard and everything, and I'm imagining what on earth I must've been doing. I'm STILL laughing at this, even as I'm typing it.

Anyway, my sister came over that night to hang out with me. She walks in and says, "Do you know there's a bra hanging on the tree in your front yard?" I gasped!! And then realized she was kidding. But she had me going there because it was HIGHLY possible!

We ended up pulling the little insert out of the box that the samples came in. Under "Common Side Effects", it says: "NEVER drink alcohol while you are being treated with AMBIEN CR or any sleep medicine. Alcohol can increase the side effects of AMBIEN CR or any other sleep medicine." HA!!!!! And then, under "Serious Side Effects", it says something about how it can cause a small percentage of people to sleepwalk and do unusual things in their sleep. Hmmm...You think I am one of those small percentage of people???

I promised my sister that I'd hold off taking any more until I can ask my doctor about it. But I think it might be kinda fun to see what other kind of trouble I could get myself into!! :)

But I STILL want to know why I took my pants off in the kitchen...

Roller Coasters

2009-09-14T22:42:00.003-06:00

I was going to write a big, exciting entry about the "physical" roller coasters I spent Saturday riding. But for some reason, while today seemed like a pretty good day, tonight I am feeling like absolute garbage. Talk about "emotional" roller coasters.

Welcome to my world.

Great Idea

2009-09-10T21:36:00.001-06:00

Hmmmm....some things sound good in theory, but don't quite work out in reality.

I decided I was going to do an anonymous blog, and it would've been good. I set it up and did the first entry. But then I realized that if I couldn't tell my friends and family to look at it, then no one ever WOULD.

So there went that idea.

Merry Christmas!

2009-09-05T23:07:00.002-06:00

Ha! Here's a picture of my most memorable Christmas present from childhood. I absolutely LOVED my Barbie Motorhome! I was SO excited when I got it! You can't tell from the picture, but it was big! Well, big enough to my tiny child body. It was big enough that I could take out the furniture and put my baby brother in it and push him down the hill in our back yard (in case you're wondering, no, that didn't go over well with my mom!). I was probably in kindergarden but I remember it like it was yesterday. I sure wish i still had that thing!

Stop!!

2009-09-02T00:12:00.001-06:00

Will someone PLEASE stop the roller coaster???? I want to get OFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boys

2009-08-24T13:21:00.003-06:00

Saw this quote last week and thought, "................huh."

"No boy is worth crying over....and the one who is won't make you cry."

I want that boy. So if anyone sees him, please let me know!!

Be Still and Know

2009-08-22T16:40:00.004-06:00

You ever see something, hear something, learn something etc., that just gets stuck in your head, and you find yourself thinking about it alot, even when you don't realize it? Something maybe even that you already knew, but it suddenly strikes you differently and it now seems so much more real and profound? I like to think that maybe that's our spirit or soul learning something rather than just our brain. It's like going home after being away for a long time. You just get that sense of relaxing into that feeling of "Ahhhhh....how did I not know that?". I don't know why, but music has a way of doing that for me like nothing else can. I heard a song by Steven Curtis Chapman recently called "Be Still and Know" (http://www.last.fm/music/Steven+Curtis+Chapman/_/Be+Still+and+Know). It comes from my favorite scripture, one that I forget to remember all too often. "Be still, and Know that I am God." Short and simple, but full of meaning. When I heard the song, it reminded me of a poem I read once that I loved instantly upon reading. It was attributed to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, but I've never been able to find it other than this one place. It's called Quiet Time, and it goes like this:

"Let us then labour for an inward stillness -
An inward stillness and an inward healing;
That perfect silence, where the lips and heart
Are still, and we no longer entertain
Our own imperfect thoughts and vain opinions,
But God alone speaks in us, and we wait
In singleness of heart, that we may know
His will, and in the silence of our spirits
That we may do His will, and do that only."

There's something to be said for having a quiet heart. We live in a busy world and are constantly on the go. I know that I have a hard time slowing down to just "be" sometimes, as I'm sure, do a lot of people. But I think when you do it, you realize how much you're missing. Even if it's just a few minutes a day, I think it can help replenish the strength we need to get through each day. Especially when we take just a few minutes to recognize the hand of God in our lives and the blessings he gives us. I know its not always easy to believe he's there. I often start to doubt that myself. But deep down, I know he is. We just need to seek him. I also know that's easier said than done sometimes...Like I said, I have my own struggles. But I also don't know how I could have any hope without that belief.

So it's my goal to start working on that. Anyone else?

More Music for the Soul

2009-08-06T15:18:00.005-06:00

Okay, so I have a new theme song for my life. It explains the mindset I'm trying to adopt. I may need some help to remember this sometimes, so don't be afraid to give me a little nudge when I need it - which will probably be often, knowing me. :/

Take a listen...

http://www.cmt.com/videos/martina-mcbride/137426/anyway.jhtml

I've also discovered Sarah Bareillis recently. I've heard her before, obviously, but sometimes it just takes the right song to turn your head. I heard this song when I was feeling a little this way recently, so it really hit me. And her voice is gorgeous. Take one more listen:

http://www.mtv.com/videos/sara-bareilles/338727/gravity.jhtml

...and speaking of this song....a gorgeous dance was performed to this song on So You Think You Can Dance a bit ago. About addiction. Gorgeous, I tell you. Take a looksy:

http://www.idolstartv.com/media.html?task=videodirectlink&id=2791

Lord, Please Give Me Patience....Without Making Me Be Patient

2009-08-02T21:26:00.003-06:00

If we did indeed exist before we came here, and if our purpose here truly is to learn the things we couldn't learn where we were before, then I must have been THE singular most impatient being ever to be created. Seriously. I think that. Because God sure is trying to teach me patience. And I'm SO bad at learning it! I don't want patience! It's one of my biggest...um.....I won't say faults, cuz that sounds too negative and I'm trying to be positive...quirks. That's better. It's one of my biggest quirks. When I know something is going to happen, or when I decide I really want something, I want it NOW. I am like a two-year old in that sense. I don't like to have to wait for the things I really want. And notice the word "really". I am not talking about stuff like, "Oh, ice cream sounds good. I want some ice cream. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!" I mean the medium to big sized things in life. For example, I decided I wanted to buy a house. It took me what, a week to find my house? And by the end of that week, I thought I was going to go insane!

So the question that I pose to you, is: Is there an EASY button way for me to learn patience, other than by having to wait for things I really want??????? PLEASE!!! Someone tell me there is! I'm tired of waiting!! :)

Blockage

2009-07-22T00:37:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry about the lack of posts lately. I seem to have a bad case of writer's block.

So all three of you readers out there will just have to check back periodically....

I'll be back soon, I'm sure.

Yay!

2009-07-09T11:36:00.003-06:00

Wow. It's been awhile since I've posted, huh? Sorry about that. I know you're all just on pins and needles waiting for me to write a new post.

I haven't really known what to write, but was thinking this morning that I have some good news and wanted to share it with you! So here goes! Most of you know, it's no secret, that I've struggled a bit with depression (slight understatement). I haven't had the greatest time lately, so I wanted you all to know that with a lot of hard work and patience while adjusting medications (and no, I'm not embarassed to say that), I am now finally getting a real, actual glimpse of what Happy feels like! It's so bizarre, but wonderful. I absolutely love it! All of you who've got to feel like this your whole life - you don't know how incredibly lucky you are! Not everyone gets to feel this way. But I'm finally getting a taste of it and it's so refreshing! I'm glad you're all part of my life. I know you've all cared all along, that it was just that I couldn't see or believe it. But I can now, and so I want to say thank you! Thank you for all your support and encouragement! I'm sure my struggles aren't completely over, but at least now I feel and know what happy feels like and that there is hope after all! Life doesn't have to feel so bad! Crazy! :)

Phooey

2009-06-25T10:40:00.002-06:00

We had the chance to wear JEANS to work today and I forgot!!! How could I have done that??

I'm so sad. Here I sit with slacks instead of jeans on. Coulda been so comfy!!!

Shucks.

Blast From the Past

2009-06-15T12:43:00.004-06:00

Anyone that knows me well knows I hated high school. Well...hmmm.... hate might not be the right word......let's see here.......Loathe. Yes, that's probably a better word for it. Loathe. I loathed High School. I did have a few good friends from time to time, but I wouldn't go back for any anything in the world (unless of course I could go back with the knowledge, life experience and maturity (?) that I posess today - so that i could do some MAJOR things different). So by the time the end came around, I was so ready to get out that I didn't even buy my Senior Yearbook. I know. What?? That's horrible, huh? I've always regretted it, but haven't thought too much about it.

Well, after a chat with an old friend from high school last night (Hi Talan!!!), it's made me want to have one. So I called my old HS today and they still have some. And they're going to let me buy one - and for only $10. I'm KIND of excited. It'll be interesting to see it. Of course it won't have all the "Stay Sweet! Good luck in college! Class of '92 RULES!" signatures, but oh well. Life goes on.

Things That Make Ya Go Hmmm...

2009-06-11T22:18:00.004-06:00

I'm SO glad I have witnesses for these things...

So if you haven't read my May 9 posting, it may be a good idea to do so now...

Ready? Okay. (alright...why did I feel like a cheerleader when I said that?)

So I'm sitting on the couch tonight, talking to a technician who is installing some stuff at my house, and guess what?? All of the sudden Eva Cassidy is singing from my stereo again!!!!!! No joke. The guy stops talking and looks at me. I just kinda grinned and said, "That happens sometimes. I don't know why." And then I went across the room and turned it off.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................

The Flying Pigs Are Landing

2009-06-09T12:37:00.005-06:00

Well, alas, all your excitement over my signing up for ldssingles.com is shortlived. I have changed my mind and am not going to do it after all. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!!!!!! Someone must've spiked my drink with something that made me susceptible to suggestion, no matter how absurd it was!!! I just can't do it. Sorry everyone!

Plus, it was part of a deal with a friend, and said friend has made no effort toward their end of the deal, so deal's off!! So HA, said friend!!!!!!

And if you have any complaints about this, then you can talk to the hand. Because I will not submit to forcible internet dating!!!!

I'll Never Recover

2009-06-08T14:31:00.007-06:00

Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch thinking about some things and half listening to the TV in the background. In my mind, somewhere in between my thoughts, I suddenly shouted, "Quaker Oatmeal!", and then went right back to what I was thinking about. A minute later, "Cymbalta!", and then back to my thoughts. Another minute later, "Hangover!", "GM!".

And then I stopped. "What am I doing??!!" And then it hit me and I had to laugh.

See, when I was younger, my brothers and I used to play this game. While watching TV, whenever a commercial came on, you had to be the first one to shout out the product that the commercial was advertising. And it didn't matter if you wanted to play or not. You were forced to play or else you automatically LOST, and then you'd never hear the end of it. So it was one of those things that just got engrained in our minds. Kinda like having to say, "Place back, Everything back!" if you got up to get something. Otherwise , the moment you got up, your place would be stolen, along with whatever you were doing. Or like having to be the first one to call "Shotgun" whenever we knew we were going to go somewhere, so that we could sit in the front seat. Or "calling" who got to sit by mom and/or dad at church. ("I called it first!!" "Nu-uh! I did!" "No you didn't, I called it before you were even in the room!" "No you didn't! Besides, I called it when I first woke up this morning!" "Actually, I think I called it before I went to bed last night!".......)

But I hadn't thought of that for a long time, so I found it quite humorous that I had started playing, all by myself, while sitting home alone, and didn't even realize it for a while!

But I guess that's what I get for having 4 brothers. A lifetime of recovery.

Some Serious Crack Was Being Smoked...

2009-06-02T22:26:00.005-06:00

Someone was smoking some serious crack when Rolling Stone named Steve Perry the 76th greatest singer of all time. How come I'm only NOW discovering what an utterly amazing voice the man has??? Can someone answer that? I always liked Journey, but I never realized he had a solo career and I guess I never actually listened closely to his voice specifically. What a gifted man. I HEART STEVE PERRY!! Seriously. He should've been way higher on Rolling Stone's list.

You know what other singer I've just discovered and realized that they have a great voice? The lead singer of Kings of Leon. Listen to Use Somebody.

zzzzzzzzz...........

2009-05-29T09:56:00.002-06:00

Well, it works. I can say that, at least.

I have been having horrible insomnia for the last few months, so my doctor gave me a prescription for Ambien the other day. I took it for the first time last night, and this morning, I feel like I've been totally drugged. I know you're supposed to get 8 hours of sleep when you take them and I only got 6, but still!! Holy Crap!!

If you find me drooling, please just shut the door and go away. I'm sorry. It can't be helped. I feel like I'm in the bottom of the ocean. Or something, anyway. I'm just not totally here and my eyes don't want to open or work.

I think I'll only take 1/2 a pill tonight and see if that works better.

Seacrest Out. (although I'm obviously not Ryan Seacrest) (It just sounds cool.)

Tell Me They Didn't Find My....

2009-05-27T14:34:00.004-06:00

As I was flying down the connector (late) this morning, I was listening to the radio, and the DJs were discussing this scenario: If you died and your parents had to come clean out all your belongings from your home, what do you have in your house that you'd be embarassed for them to find?

They discussed themselves and then took anonymous callers telling what they have. It was pretty funny.

So I pose the same question to you all. If you died and your loved ones had to come clean out your house, do you have anything that you'd be embarssed for them to find??

This has the potential to embarss you now, and you're not dead yet, so in order to keep yourself anonymous, and if you choose to share, when you make a comment, just choose the "Anonymous" selection so that you don't have to reveal your identity!

This should be fun! :)

Pigs Are Flying Around Everywhere Out There!!!

2009-05-26T12:43:00.006-06:00

Have you ever done something you SWORE you would NEVER do? And then when you realize it, you're like, "WHAT??? What did I just do? And WHY did I do that???". The biggest one that comes to my mind was skydiving. I NEVER had a desire to jump out of a plane. I had a friend growing up that always talked about doing it when she got old enough and I always thought she was insane (Hi Anne!). I would even bring her clippings from the newspaper with articles telling of skydiving accidents sometimes. I swore I'd never be dumb enough to jump. But after I'd done it I wondered why I was so against it in the first place. It was love at first jump.

Well, if you know me, you know very well my thoughts on online dating websites. Now raise your hands...how many of you have tried to get me to go on ldssingles.com??? Yeah, that's what I thought. A LOT of you. MOST of you, in fact. And you probably remember what my reaction was. It would've been a variation of the following: "NEVER. And I mean NEVER. I don't care how desperate I am, I will never be desperate enough to put myself into an online catalog so all the guys around the world can laugh at me with their friends. Nope, sorry, not gonna happen. If heavenly father plans for me to get married, he sure isn't going to arrange for me to meet him online cuz I will NEVER go online and He knows that!"

WELL - one day, two of my friends at work (you know who you are!!!) decided to take it upon themselves and set me up an account on ldssingles.com. I admit I used it to look around a bit and see what was out there. But lately, it seems like everyone has been ganging up on me, and they won't let it rest (you know who you are, too!!!). So in a freaky, incredibly weak moment, I thought, "Hey, what if my "HE" IS online? I'll never know if I don't get on. What if I'm getting all this pressure for a reason? What if the reason Im still single is that I haven't humbled myself and done it. What if I miss him because I'm stubborn and didn't want to give up the last few ounces of self esteem that I have left? Hmmm.... Oh, what the hell, I don't need those last few ounces anyway." And I got into my account and actually populated the fields. Now: "OH MY GOSH. What have I done? Okay breathe Calm down. I can feel okay about this because I am NOT putting up a picture. I don't care what anyone says." HOWEVER, I am coming to realize that no one will ever pay attention to a profile without a picture. It's human nature - you want to see what the person looks like. I won't look at any guys' profiles without a pic so why should i expect them to look at mine?

So here I am, finding myself trying to set up a time with a friend that takes pictures, to see if she can take a few and hopefully get one out of the many that looks halfway decent.

So now I'm thinking, "WHAT??? What did I just do?! And Why did I do it??

I think I just may be completely insane!!! Does anyone have a straight jacket I could borrow?

I'm pretty sure this is one of the signs of the times.

Cookies

2009-05-21T22:22:00.002-06:00

I like cookies. Cookies are good. Cookies are my friends. Cookies come in all shapes, sizes, colors & flavors. Cookies make me feel good. Cookies make me feel good temporarily. But then cookies make me feel bad. Very bad. I must stop eating cookies. I hate cookies. Cookies are bad. Very bad. Someone take the cookies away!

I think I need another cookie.

Wow!

2009-05-14T10:17:00.001-06:00

I'M BUYING A HOUSE TODAY!!!!!!!

BUT I MIGHT JUST KEEL OVER BEFORE I ACTUALLY GET TO THE SIGNING TABLE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE JUST PERFECT?

Very, Very Interesting...

2009-05-09T08:36:00.005-06:00

Well, either my ghost is back, or there's something majorly wrong with the electricity in my apartment! (I hope it's the electricity!)

I've woken up the past two nights to my cd player in the living room playing cd's. Well, I guess I can't say the first night woke me up because I wasn't quite asleep yet. And all of the sudden Eva Cassidy was singing in the living room... Odd, I know, but especially because I knew I'd even turned the stereo OFF. Last night it was Erin McCarly singing in there, and she did actually wake me up. I thought, "Hmmmm, how very strange. Where are the cats? Oh, laying right here on the bed. Hmmmmmmm......Okay.....Alrighty then." And then I had to go out there to turn it off. The first night, I just let Eva sing away.

Another time, though, I was actually sitting in the living room watching tv when the stereo turned itself on, right in front of me, and all the sudden the radio was playing. I thought I must be sitting on the remote or something, but it was hanging out on the end table by the couch, all by its little lonesome. And then when my mom was here a litle bit ago, we were watching tv and it changed channels. Not just up or down one. It was to a channel pretty far away (although I can't remember what channel we were on or where it changed to). Again I thought I must be sitting on the remote but when I investigated it was sitting nicely on the arm of the couch behind me. I was glad to have a witness so I knew I wasn't crazy!! (Well, I might be crazy, but that's another discussion altogether.)

The first time I noticed anything weird was right before Christmas when I was having a marathon wrapping session in my kitchen and all day I kept thinking I saw someone out of the corner of my eye, but then when I'd look, there'd (obviously) be no one there. That was a little strange, cuz that's not something that normally happens to me.

I must be listening to Coast to Coast with George Noory too much while I'm trying to go to sleep!! (JUST for entertainment value, mind you. There are some real kooky people on there.)

CUCKOO!!!!!!!!

Oh!! And by the way, my eye is STILL twitching out!!!

Knock it off already!

2009-05-05T22:05:00.002-06:00

My eyelid has been doing that weird twitchy thing for the past 3 days. It's driving me CRAZY. Isn't it funny that the proverbial "they" can create nuclear power, do the most intimate brain surgery, clone animals, put a man on the moon, and do in-vetro surgery, but they can't figure out what causes your eyelid to twitch out, or what causes the hiccups? I mean, come on!! There's not one single smart research scientist that can figure out those stupid things? None of them are willing to devote their life to figuring out eyelid twitchiness? Seriously.

I Think Blue is the Winner!

2009-05-01T18:47:00.002-06:00

Okay. Well. I could agonize over this decision forever, so I may as well just make a decision. I think I agree with the majority of the vote. I do love the red, but I just LOVE the blue. IF by chance I have extra money to get some things for the house, I will think about getting the red one too, and then I could change switch them back and forth depending on the season. I've always wanted to be able to do that! If the builder concedes to our request in exchange for the irrigation error, I just may be able to do that.

Anyway, thanks everyone for weighing in. I realized I did know which one I wanted more when people started voting and I was hoping the vote would go toward the blue.

Help!

2009-04-29T13:06:00.006-06:00

Okay. It's poll time again. I'm trying to decide between these two bed sets. I absolutely love the red - It looks soft and warm - cozy-like, but these are the same colors as my living room and I didnt' necessarily want the same color scheme in my whole house.

But I love this one too. It's light and airy - kinda silky and cool, and it seems a bit more sophisticated or classy or something. Plus, I think the shower curtain I found to go with it is cool! ;) (see link below)

With this shower curtain in the master bath....

http://www.target.com/Studio-Target-Floral-Shower-Curtain/dp/B001J878Q6/qid=1240969902/ref=br_1_9/182-7839955-3512213?ie=UTF8&node=16051381&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

So, which one do you like better???? Please vote in the poll above, and leave any comments/thoughts you might have.

Thanks!

Little Sad and a Little Glad

2009-04-27T22:49:00.002-06:00

So, I'm a little sad and a little glad that it doesn't look like I'll be doing my skydiving training this year. I really wanted to, but with all of my money going into my new house this year, it doesn't seem very feasible. I was really looking forward to it, and it made me really sad when I realized it wasn' t going to happen this year. I felt like I wasn't following through with something really important. But a very wise person helped me realize that it doesn't have to be an "either/or" thing. It's not like if I don't do it now, i will never do it, and it's not like if I don't do the training this year, that I can't still make a couple tandem jumps this year. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a couple tandem jumps this summer so that I can keep the love of it in my blood. And I can keep learning things with each jump, so that maybe by the time I get to start my training, I'll be a little more comfortable with that first jump which is solo. OR, maybe I'll never end up taking the training. Maybe I'll never do a solo jump. Maybe I'll just do tandem jumps a few times a year for the rest of my life, leaving all the crazy stuff to the professional on my back!

Mom & Dad

2009-04-27T15:15:00.003-06:00

I don't think I've mentioned it, but let me just tell you this:

I have THE most loving, wonderful, thoughtful, supportive parents in the whole wide world. I absolutely couldn't get through life without them. I often think I must've been dead last in line (or in the wrong line altogether!) for MANY different things in life, but I KNOW I must have been front and center FIRST in line when it came to the parents I'd be born to. I must've had first pick out of everyone because I don't know how else I could've lucked out so much otherwise. I just couldn't be any more blessed when it comes to these two special people. The sacrifices they have made, and continue to make, for their children utterly astound me. I see it, and I hope with everything in me that my other 5 sibilings see it too, and that they are as grateful for them as I am.

I am SO excited for them to get to take an upcoming vacation for Mom's birthday!!!! Mom still doesn't know where they're going, so make sure none of you spill the beans!!! (SSShhhh!!!!! Zip it!!!!) They've gone on a few trips with just the two of them, but it's always just been a road trip to see family with some stops along the way. This will actually be JUST vacation! No mandatory family visits!! I am so excited for them - you'd think it was ME going!!! ;)

Anyway, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. And I thank them with all my heart. I'm just sorry that the rest of you out there had to get second best in this category!! You can argue all you want, but I know the truth and you'll NEVER convince me otherwise!!! :)

My House

2009-04-24T12:52:00.006-06:00

Here's a picture of my house!!! We had the inspection last night and all went well. The only thing we found wrong (besides a couple things we already knew about and are being addressed) was that a gasket on the gas meter had cracked so it was leaking a little. Glad we found that - don't want to be blowing up anytime soon! Then, I met with my mortgage broker this morning and signed all the applications and went through all the information, and I gave him copies of all the necessary documents - paystubs, tax returns, w-2s, bank statements, etc.

So now I'm two steps closer!! I'm told we'll meet on the 14th of May to sign all the closing documents, and then the loan will be funded on the 15th, and I should have my keys by the afternoon of the 15th!! Holy Cow!! I am still in disbelief! It's such a crazy concept to wrap my tiny brain around!! Who wuda thunk it?!?

And here's the floorplan!

That didn't take long...

2009-04-19T21:32:00.001-06:00

The kitchen is officially DONE!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Cow!!!!

(Just in time for me to move out!!)

Waiting....

2009-04-15T08:38:00.003-06:00

I submitted an official offer on a house last night, so I'm just waiting to hear. They have until tomorrow morning to reply, but I'm hoping it's today. I don't know if I can handle the suspense. I may in fact have a stroke, a heart attack, or just plain throw up any second now....

I'll let you know when I hear anything.

(Insert Jeopardy music here...)

No Way!!!

2009-04-10T16:04:00.002-06:00

OH - MY - GOSH!!!!!! (wow...for those of you that grew up in the 80's, I know that you're now mentally continuing with "...Becky, Look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap-guys' girlfriends.")

ANYWAY, a day has arrived that I truly thought would never come. And although I wish it were the "other" day that I feel will never come, I will count my most wonderful and merciful blessings that THIS day has come.

I absolutely can not believe it!!!!!! I am about to reach a "real adult" milestone! I am going to buy a HOUSE!!! ME!!! Buying a HOUSE!!!! MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!!!! WHAT?????!!!!

Okay. Calm down. Breathe in and out. In..............and Out.....................In........and Out......

Whew. Okay, that's better. So the scoop is that I've been officially pre-approved for a mortgage and I'm going to meet for the first time with my realtor (I can't belive i just used the words mortgage and realtor in a sentence that actually refers to me) in just under an hour now.

Oh my gosh!!!

I may need CPR soon.

Left Behind

2009-04-03T00:09:00.003-06:00

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when I was in 5th grade, I shared a room with my sister. I remember one night, we had gone to bed and the light had been off for quite awhile - it was pretty dang dark in there. I was almost asleep when she lets out this ear piercing scream, jumps out of bed and runs out the door and down the hall like her life depended on it. I laid there in my bed with wide eyes and a pounding heart, absolutely frozen for a bit, wondering what on earth I was about to get hacked up or eaten by. I couldn't believe she'd left me behind!!! It took a moment for me to regain control over my muscles, and then I don't think I've ever moved so fast in my life. She'd left me BEHIND!!!!!!

Well, aparently, she had draped her arm over the side of her bed, and her hand touched something furry. She thought it must've been a slipper or something like that......until it moved!

So, when we could breathe again, we gathered up our courage, slowly made our way back to our room, reached in, flipped on the light, and surveyed the room. And what did we find? A cat! The weird thing was that we didn't HAVE a cat! Yeah. That was kinda strange....

Death, Sheepdog-hood, and a Happy Day

2009-03-29T23:40:00.002-06:00

Topic #1: Okay, well, I'm glad to see that the majority of you are wishing for my early demise (i.e. wanting my next skydive to be solo - drastically increasing the chances for major splatage). Who needs enemies with friends like you? Ha ha!! I'm just kidding! Seriously, thanks for the input, cuz I'm having a hard time deciding... Will have to do some major contemplation of the issue.....

Topic #2: I finally got notice that I've been approved for my concealed weapons permit! So I just have to go down to the Sherrif's office and get my picture taken and have them give me my permit!! Then I'll be an official "sheepdog"!! I'm gonna try to go to one of the local ranges a couple times to try out a few guns so I can know what I want to buy. (Anyone know of a good local range with helpful people??) Then, of course, I'll keep going to the range to learn how to handle, shoot and take care of it. I'm so excited!

And Topic #3: I had such a good day on Saturday! I got to sleep in (yay sleep! - which I've just been told is for the weak), and then I spent most of the rest of the day with my friend Shannon. (Shout out!!) (Eye -roll. Seriously. Do people say that for real?) We had so much fun!! I laughed more than I've laughed in a LONG, LONG time, and I SO needed that. So thank you Shannon! We need to do that more often. Conversation was definitely a tad bit different than our usual conversation... ;) , I almost got bitten by a horse (a FEW times! he was a grumpy little punk), got shocked by an electric fence -two of my fingers still feel a little funny, and I smelled like a barnyard by the time I got home. We started planning a trip to Europe, had a very enlightening IM chat with an old friend (friendship newly re-established), and last, but not least, learned from an interesting fellow online how nice it is to "snuggle on the cough" (while trying to work your way together back to "God's thrown"). But it was SO fun. So I just wanted to say Thanks, Shannon! I'm so glad you're my friend!!

Geesh

2009-03-20T11:01:00.001-06:00

Wow. With everyone trying to comment and vote on my posting, it's clogging up the servers!!! Calm down people!! It's only a matter of life and death after all!!!! Just be patient. I'm sure the traffic on my site will ease up soon, and you'll all have ample opportunity to get in, vote, and post your comments.

Geesh.

Mom & Skydiving (Two different subjects - my mom isn't skydiving!)

2009-03-17T23:30:00.000-06:00

So my sister texts me this afternoon, and says she's bringing me dinner. "Um.....Why?" "Because I want to." "Why?" "Because." "You really don't have to do that." "I want to, and I'm going to." "OOOkkkkkaaaayyyy." "What time will you be home?" "About 5:15." "Okay."

So about 5:15, the doorbell rings, and I hear my neice and nephew out on the front step. I open the door, and there is my sister, two of her kids, dinner and MY MOM!! From Portland! Here to surprise me with a visit! How cool is that? That's the second time she's done that! The first time was the day of my first skydive. I had no idea they were coming, but my parents showed up at the jump site! I was so surprised! Man, they're getting sneaky in their old age! (Ha Ha! Just kidding!)

So I get to spend a few days with my mom. I don't get to see her very often, so it'll be nice to hang out with her.

Now....speaking of skydiving! I'm supposed to be starting my training course about now, but I'll be about a month or so late starting than I originally planned on. It'll probably be next month. I'm excited but WAY nervous at the same time. I wanted to do one more tandem before I start the static line progression course, but that's just another couple hundred dollars, so maybe I won't. But that means my next jump would be all by myself!!! EEEKKK!!!! I do think another tandem would be good, though, because my last one was in November, and I learned a few things that time that may be good to refresh. Maybe I should take a poll.

Who thinks I should spend the extra money to do one more tandem jump, and who thinks I should just GO FOR IT???? Please vote in the poll to your left. :)

Seeking Suggestions...

2009-03-09T13:17:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this question for awhile and wanted to see if anyone has any suggestions...

How do you make yourself feel something that you don't? Or believe something that you don't?

Is it even possible?

Comments Settings

2009-03-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

Gee, I'm a busy little blogger today! Okay, so I guess the settings for comments on my posts were set too restrictively, but I think I've fixed it now. So I think anyone should be able to post comments now. Just let me know if you still have problems! (well, problems posting comments anyway. I KNOW YOU all have problems!)

Drum Roll Please....

2009-03-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ladies & Gentlemen........And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for....it is my distinct pleasure to announce that I, in furtherance of my original blog posting of January 23, now have BOTH feet firmly planted in the virtual world!

New Laptop - CHECK!
Wireless Internet - CHECK!! (*)
Facebook Account - CHECK!!!

*(Yes, it's up and running despite the extreme delay in figuring out that the little wireless light at the top of my keyboard is not only a LIGHT, but is actually also a BUTTON which turns the wireless capability on and off. If I'd figured that out a little sooner, it would've prevented the unnecessary two-hour session with my own personal help desk respresentative - a.k.a. my brother Danny. (At least it wasn't a guy from India named "Jeff"!))

Are you all SO impressed? I must say, that I'm a little impressed with myself (except the wireless capability light/button fiasco - that was not so impressive.).

NEXT STEP: IPOD!!!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!

Then I'll be so hip, cool and with it!!! What??? No one says that anymore??? Hmmm...dope? Fo Shizzle???

Hear Any Echoes?

2009-03-05T11:37:00.001-07:00

I've discovered that my brain does not contain many 'inner workings' after all... It's a very sad state of affairs...

Laugh-Out-Loud Funny!

2009-02-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/all-things-chris-louis-ck-on-conan-obrien/144115201287358594/?icid=VIDURVENT01

This is a comedian my sister has just shared with me. I'd never heard of him, but his name is Louis CK (Louis is said like Louie). He's pretty darn funny and I'm sure we could all use a laugh!! I'll have to look up some more of his stuff!

Enjoy!

Miss You!

2009-02-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

6 Years! Seems like yesterday...We miss you!

Well it's ABOUT TIME!!

2009-02-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean, who have FINALLY been released from prison (after two years in horrible/solitary confinement conditions) and are on their way back home to their families!!!!! All I can say is - IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME!!!!!!!! Those who know the facts about this case have been in utter amazement that such a travesty of justice can take place in this country. It's unbelieveable.

But now, they are back with their families and can start to heal and put their lives back together. They are heroes to me. I say we should give all border guards free license to shoot scummy drug smugglers in the 'buttocks' whenever the mood strikes them!!

Could There Still Be Hope?!?

2009-02-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29181975/

I've been in mourning the last week or so since I read that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are leaving Grey's Anatomy. BUT I just read this article where Shonda Rhimes (creator of the show) is saying the rumors are not true!! Oh, she'd better not be teasing me....

Music

2009-02-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

I love music. It can do more to affect my emotions than pretty much anything else. It can pump me up when I need pumping, mellow me out when I need mellowing, or soothe my soul when it needs soothing. If I'm working around the house, I absolutely love to blast the music and get to work. It's the same when driving in the car - especially on roadtrips. I also notice background music wherever I go - whether its the overhead music in a store or the soundtrack to a movie. In fact, I really think that we should each have our own internal background music in life. Wouldn't that be cool? When you hear a noise outside, you'd know not to go out there, because the spooky music would suddenly cue up. Taking a walk in the snow with your honey would be so much more romantic with a beautiful Christmas song playing in the background. I think I'll submit that request to the Man Upstairs - you think he'll be willing to implement this idea??

Anyway, I SO love it when I find new musical artists, so I thought maybe I'd share a few that you may not know about yet. Just trying to spread the joy!

The first one I discovered a couple years ago when a co-worker gave us mix-cd's for Christmas. I popped it in and when this one song came on, I was like, "Who IS that?" And from that moment on she has been, and always will be, one of my absolute favorites. You can not leave this earth until you've heard Eva Cassidy sing Songbird, Over The Rainbow, Fields of Gold, and so many others. Something about her voice just hits me to the core. (Songbird was the song on the cd that caught my attention, in case you're wondering...)

Then, a couple of months ago, I was hanging out in Barnes & Noble, and noticed a song they were playing on the overhead speakers. I loved his voice, and the song just had this relaxing affect on me. I went to the cd section, asked what album they were playing, and bought it right then and there. It's been in my cd player ever since. His name is Peter Bradley Adams, and the song was called Los Angeles. You can listen to it here, if you'd like: http://www.last.fm/music/Peter+Bradley+Adams.
And better yet, you can BUY it HERE: http://tinyurl.com/Leavetaking-Amazon-Music-Store (thanks Kara!)

The third one, I just discovered on Friday when I went to check out the trailer to a movie that I was going to with a friend that evening. We were going to see "He's Just Not That Into You". The trailer was set to a really fun song, so I looked it up, and have now found a new singer named Erin McCarley. Love her voice. Check out her website, and you can listen to some of her songs. My favorites so far are "Love, Save The Empty", "Pitter Pat", and "Pony (It's Okay)". http://www.erinmccarley.com/

If you have any favorites, feel free to share!

Public Apology to Kara & Therese

2009-02-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, the countless conversations that I've had with Kara & Therese that go something like this-
K/T: "I didn't get much sleep last night, because my cat kept walking across my head." Me: "What!!!??? Are you kidding? Why on earth would you put up with that? It's a CAT for crying out loud! The first time that happened with me, they'd be kicked out the door so fast they wouldn't know what hit them! You Crazy Cat Lady!"

Flash forward to now... And Oh, the countless conversations I now (and will) have with Kara & Therese that go something like this - K/T: "Oh, you look a little tired today." Me: "Yeah, didn't sleep very well last night cuz Punky kept trying to sleep on my head & Zoey kept trying to lick my face off." K/T: "Tee Hee Hee! What, you didn't kick them out?" Me: "No, I LOVE my fuzzy babies and I like them to sleep with me. They're good snugglers - They're so sweet, I don't have the heart to kick them out."

I've teased Kara & Therese mercilessly (is that a word?) for a VERY LONG TIME now about their cats. Hence, I now put forth a public apology, as I have officially joined their world. I don't know how it happened, but I've become a crazy cat lady (and I love it!). (Insert sigh & an eye-roll here.)

And She WORKS Here???

2009-01-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Backstory: Since I'm back on my diet, I'm trying to take the stairs everytime I have to go up to the 4th floor. I work on the 1st floor, and the door that comes out of the stairwell onto the 1st floor has a doorknob on it, but you can't turn it. To get out of the stairwell, you just PUSH the door open.

So I went to go upstairs just before lunch, and when I opened the door, there was a lady just standing in the stairwell. She says "Thank goodness you came. I've been standing here for 5 minutes. How do you open this stupid door?!" I wanted SO badly to say, "You think it's the DOOR that's stupid??" Instead, I just said, "Ummm.....Push".

Dreaming...

2009-01-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one that hates dreaming? I think most people like to dream – it’s kind of like an escape for them. But seriously. I hate it. “Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY!!!” (Name that quote, anyone?) Doesn’t matter whether they’re good, bad or indifferent. Why we dream and how our brains do that is seriously high up on my “list”. You know, the running list you keep in our mind that you can’t wait to ask when you get to the “other side”. The questions like “Who killed Jon Benet?”, “What DID happen to Jimmy Hoffa?”, “What’s up with the Bermuda Triangle?”, “How did the Egyptians build the pyramids”, “…Dinosaurs??”, “…All the other unexplained phenomena”, etc.

Why I hate bad dreams is obvious - most people hate bad dreams. I hate good dreams, because I think its real and I’m so happy. And then I have to wake up and realize that it wasn’t real, and I have to go back and face the reality of my plain ol’ boring life where none of those good things happen. If it’s a middle of the road, everyday dream, well then it just makes me feel dumber than a rock for not realizing that I was dreaming, even when totally stupid, illogical things were going on. I mean, how can you NOT know you’re dreaming when people suddenly change into different people, you immediately switch to being somewhere different, you walk up the side of a building, you're flying, you’re back in high school (AGAIN - even though you're 34 years old) and can’t remember your locker combination…, you’re dating Rush Limbaugh (don’t ask), etc… I feel like my brain is laughing at me when I wake up. “Ha ha! Fooled ya! Sucker!!!!” One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to make me feel stupid. How can you be peeved at your own brain for making you feel stupid? Why can’t I be one of those people that knows they’re dreaming when they’re dreaming and can take control over what’s going on in their dreams. Now THAT would be cool!

After reading this, you may feel like the whole point of this post was to see how many times I could use quotation marks…

Happy Birthday Ben!

2009-01-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!! Wow, you would have been SO OLD today! 28!!! Holy Cow.

Yes, you would've turned 28 years old today. In my mind, though, you'll always be that little boy with brown, shaggy hair, red, chubby cheeks (usually smudged with a little dirt (or a lot of dirt)), and great big smile that was interrupted only by your adoreable little giggle. You'll be the little boy carrying 'Beach' around with you everywhere you went, even though he was way bigger than you. You'll be the little boy in his Seattle Seahawks football outfit, playing football with his big brothers in the backyard, DIVING for every ball, no matter how far away from you it was about to land. You'll be the little boy that peed on the back of the bathroom door, and locked yourself out in the garage in your sleep. You'll be my Muppets Christmas Carol buddy, the sock-water prankster, the boy that ate his Turkey-Bowl socks at the hand of his SISTER-a GIRL, and the little turd that would sing "This is the Song That Never Ends" over and over and over to drive everybody absolutely crazy. You'll be the boy that would actually ride his bike up and down the street in front of the house, letting your big brother throw a football at your spokes to see how many times he could knock you off! You'll be the teenager that thought he was a gangster/rapper, that thought everything was "old-school", and became a legend at Burgerville for actually giving a customer "one fry". You'll be the young man that decided to follow in your father's and big brother's footsteps and join the US Military to proudly serve your country as Airman First Class Benjamin John Marks (the brilliant/award-winning Airman that you were!!). You'll be the man that we are so glad and proud to call "ours".

Anyway, I would've sent you a big ol' birthday care package, but it probably would've been caught up in customs somewhere. Not sure the postal service delivers to where you are, although it would sure be nice if it did. It'd probably end up in a pile with a gazillion letters that start out, "Dear Santa, I have been a good boy this year...". (What DOES happen to those, anyway??)

Yes, you'll always be the aforementioned (sorry, I'm in the legal field these days and words like that just pop out once in a while) things to me, and you'll always be the son, little brother, uncle, and friend that is missed SO MUCH, every single second of every single day. So I'll speak for us all and say that we're not mad, we just miss you, so you just do whatever it is that you need to do up there, and we'll catch you on the flip side. Okay? (Although, you STILL better run for the hills the day you see my name come up on "the list"!!!!! Cuz although I will first tackle & hug you till you can't breathe, once that's done, I'm going to kick your *%$!!! - and you know this sister can do it too - just remember how good those Turkey-Bowl socks tasted.) :)

So I'll send this out into the universe and hope someone up there will deliver the message. Don't forget us! We love you!

All my love.

Your Big Sis

Trying To Catch Up

2009-01-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'm finally putting one foot into the virtual world! I'm always a step or two behind when it comes to technology. It was probably 1999 before I got a cd player. I didn't have a dvd player until 4 or 5 years ago or so (I'm still working on increasing my dvd collection - still in mourning at the realization that my vhs collection will be useless soon). Most people had cell phones for ages before I finally got one (although, I still can't figure out how anyone ever lived without one). I still don't have an iPod, I'm not on MySpace, or Facebook or LinkedIn, or any social networking site. I don't have a laptop yet, and don't even have an internet connection to my home pc (which is also older than the hills). BUT friends and family are now out there blogging these days, and I love checking them out to see what's going on in their lives. So, I've decided to move one step forward, and create one of my own. I also think writing in any kind of journal format is really therapeutic. And, boy, do I need therapy! And this is just my first step at catching up with the times, too! When I get my tax refunds, I'm going to be buying a laptop, and then I'll hook up the internet at home & get on Facebook! Wow, I don't know if I can handle so much progress in such a short amount of time.

At this moment, I have absolutely NO idea whatsoever what I'll have to say, but I think this is a pretty cool outlet for when I do come up with something. It'll probably just be whatever is on my mind at the time, so it may be a bit of a mish-mash.

So stay tuned! I'll be back soon with some extremely profound thoughts for you (ha!).