I'm officially done with this blog. If anyone feels the need to reach me, my email is bmarks92@gmail.com. But I won't hold my breath.
Happy Trails.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Role of Mercy
Where do you think the role of the mercy of God comes in? If he IS involved in our lives, when should we expect mercy and when should we not? Are the rules black and white, with no room for error? Does the degree of difficulty come in to play? Where does mercy fit in the plan? Can only certain people expect mercy? Or are there situations when we can all expect mercy? What would those situations be? If we beg and cry for mercy and don't receive it, is it because we don't deserve it? Or is it because he just can't give it at that time? Or can he hear us beg and cry for it?
I'm serious in my questions here. I would love input, but not the standard, cliche, automatically regurgitated sunday school answers.
I'm serious in my questions here. I would love input, but not the standard, cliche, automatically regurgitated sunday school answers.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Fallen
"Fallen"
Sarah McLauchlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Sarah McLauchlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
He's BAAaacccckkkk!!!!!
I thought he was gone as he hadn't made an appearance in quite some time! But alas! He is still there! He's back! Oh how I've missed him!!
Last night, a little after 3:30am, I was awoken to the sound of Depeche Mode singing from my stereo in the living room. It's not the first time it's happened, but each time, my thought is that one of my cats must've brushed against it and turned it on. I sat up and looked around, but one was curled up at the foot of my bed with her ears perked up, and the other was sound asleep on her little cat tower. It finally hit me!!! Yay!!! He's back!
Like I said, this wasn't the first time this had happened. Your first thought may be that it's either faulty house wiring, faulty stereo, a charge in the electrical system or something like that. BUT let me tell you, it can't be, BECAUSE...
This all started in my last apt. So it can't be the wiring in the house. One night (in my old apt.), I was suddenly woken up by Eva Cassidy singing in the living room. It kinda freaked me out but I assumed it was the cat, turned it off and went back to bed. I didn't even think about seeing where the cat(s) were at the time. But a couple of weeks later, it happened again. I looked to see where the cats were that time, but they were asleep in other places. Creepy!! It happened a few times over a few months and I kind of started getting used to it. Then came Christmas time. One day, as I spent the day wrapping presents in the kitchen, I was feeling a little weird, and then throughout the day, I kept SWEARING I could see someone standing there out of the corner of my eye. Of course, there never was anyone there. That never happens to me, so it was really weird. But that night, once again, I woke up to the stereo on in the other room. I even had a witness while living in that apt. My mom was visiting one time, and we were sitting on the couch watching tv, when all the sudden it changed to a different station. We both looked around to see which of us was sitting on the remote, only to find it sitting all by its lonely self on the arm of the couch.
One move, into my new house later, and thinking it had to be the wiring in my old (in both sense of the word - old as in age, and old as in past) apt., I was surprised one day to be standing in the kitchen listening to music I had NOT just turned on. My first thought was "WHAT the hell?". But then I just kind of laughed. Then comes my next witness. I decided to have an alarm system installed in my house one day (stupid door to door salesman). As the salesman was sitting on my couch explaining the contract to me....you guessed it. The stereo suddenly turned on across the room. He stops mid-sentence and just looked at me. I simply said, "Sorry, that happens all the time."
Okay, so maybe it was the stereo. Maybe IT had faulty wiring in it (although that still wouldn't explain the TV episode). Months later, though, I purchased a new stereo - one that would dock my new iPod. All was quiet for a few months, but then what do you know, it happened again one night...on my new stereo. Okay, so I've just come to accept him. He obviously likes music, and generally to wake me up with it in the middle of the night. But he had disappeared, and hadn't visited in quite awhile. I was getting kinda sad thinking he was gone.
But, alas, he decided to visit again last night. Sigh....happy again.
The stereo & tv ghosts aren't my only ghostly encounters though....
I started my current job in November of 2000. I worked on the 6th floor. It was New Years Eve, and me and the lady I worked with were probably among a total of 5 people at work that day on the whole floor. It was very quiet. At lunch, I went down to the cafeteria to get some lunch. After lunch, I was on my way back up to my office, and I came around the corner to the elevator bank. There are 6 elevators. 3 on one side, and 3 on the opposite wall, facing the other 3. As I came around the corner, a man was getting in the far right elevator. I didn't want to hold him up, so I stopped by the up button and waited for his door to close and then hit the up arrow. Low and behold, his elevator popped right back open with a ding. I felt bad, since I'd obviously held him up, so I walked around the corner into the elevator ready to apologize, but there was NO ONE there!!!!!!!!! I just stood there staring, until the elevator closed. All the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and on my arms. I just stood there for a few minutes, thinking, "WHAT THE CRAP?" Well, so eventually I went back and punched the up arrow. But the same elevator popped open. There was NO way I was getting in that elevator! So I reached around the elevator door and pushed a button to send it up to one of the higher floors. THEN pushed the up arrow to get another elevator.
THEN, a few years later, after I had moved to a different building, with a different job, I walked out of our office area one day to go to the coffee room. As I walked out of our area into the hall, I saw a lady going into the coffee room. The room is pretty dang small, so I just stood outside the door for a minute, waiting for her to come out. But after a minute, I couldn't hear her doing anything, so I peeked in there to see what she was doing, and again....NO ONE THERE!!!!
Now, I KNOW I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy. It's weird, because I don't really believe in ghosts, but I have absolutely NO explanation for these happenings. I KNOW what I saw and I KNOW what I've heard. So....who knows.
As a side note....when I went to a psychic about a year or so ago, he told me that my brother told him that he likes to come visit once in awhile, that he moves his picture when he does, and that he was annoyed that I'd never noticed it before. Well, guess what. His picture is sitting on a shelf in my living room and I have to straighten the darn thing ALL the time!! It's always pushed sideways. Again, I assume it's the cats, but I have NEVER, EVER seen one of the cats up on that shelf. Never.
I think I'm just haunted!
Last night, a little after 3:30am, I was awoken to the sound of Depeche Mode singing from my stereo in the living room. It's not the first time it's happened, but each time, my thought is that one of my cats must've brushed against it and turned it on. I sat up and looked around, but one was curled up at the foot of my bed with her ears perked up, and the other was sound asleep on her little cat tower. It finally hit me!!! Yay!!! He's back!
Like I said, this wasn't the first time this had happened. Your first thought may be that it's either faulty house wiring, faulty stereo, a charge in the electrical system or something like that. BUT let me tell you, it can't be, BECAUSE...
This all started in my last apt. So it can't be the wiring in the house. One night (in my old apt.), I was suddenly woken up by Eva Cassidy singing in the living room. It kinda freaked me out but I assumed it was the cat, turned it off and went back to bed. I didn't even think about seeing where the cat(s) were at the time. But a couple of weeks later, it happened again. I looked to see where the cats were that time, but they were asleep in other places. Creepy!! It happened a few times over a few months and I kind of started getting used to it. Then came Christmas time. One day, as I spent the day wrapping presents in the kitchen, I was feeling a little weird, and then throughout the day, I kept SWEARING I could see someone standing there out of the corner of my eye. Of course, there never was anyone there. That never happens to me, so it was really weird. But that night, once again, I woke up to the stereo on in the other room. I even had a witness while living in that apt. My mom was visiting one time, and we were sitting on the couch watching tv, when all the sudden it changed to a different station. We both looked around to see which of us was sitting on the remote, only to find it sitting all by its lonely self on the arm of the couch.
One move, into my new house later, and thinking it had to be the wiring in my old (in both sense of the word - old as in age, and old as in past) apt., I was surprised one day to be standing in the kitchen listening to music I had NOT just turned on. My first thought was "WHAT the hell?". But then I just kind of laughed. Then comes my next witness. I decided to have an alarm system installed in my house one day (stupid door to door salesman). As the salesman was sitting on my couch explaining the contract to me....you guessed it. The stereo suddenly turned on across the room. He stops mid-sentence and just looked at me. I simply said, "Sorry, that happens all the time."
Okay, so maybe it was the stereo. Maybe IT had faulty wiring in it (although that still wouldn't explain the TV episode). Months later, though, I purchased a new stereo - one that would dock my new iPod. All was quiet for a few months, but then what do you know, it happened again one night...on my new stereo. Okay, so I've just come to accept him. He obviously likes music, and generally to wake me up with it in the middle of the night. But he had disappeared, and hadn't visited in quite awhile. I was getting kinda sad thinking he was gone.
But, alas, he decided to visit again last night. Sigh....happy again.
The stereo & tv ghosts aren't my only ghostly encounters though....
I started my current job in November of 2000. I worked on the 6th floor. It was New Years Eve, and me and the lady I worked with were probably among a total of 5 people at work that day on the whole floor. It was very quiet. At lunch, I went down to the cafeteria to get some lunch. After lunch, I was on my way back up to my office, and I came around the corner to the elevator bank. There are 6 elevators. 3 on one side, and 3 on the opposite wall, facing the other 3. As I came around the corner, a man was getting in the far right elevator. I didn't want to hold him up, so I stopped by the up button and waited for his door to close and then hit the up arrow. Low and behold, his elevator popped right back open with a ding. I felt bad, since I'd obviously held him up, so I walked around the corner into the elevator ready to apologize, but there was NO ONE there!!!!!!!!! I just stood there staring, until the elevator closed. All the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and on my arms. I just stood there for a few minutes, thinking, "WHAT THE CRAP?" Well, so eventually I went back and punched the up arrow. But the same elevator popped open. There was NO way I was getting in that elevator! So I reached around the elevator door and pushed a button to send it up to one of the higher floors. THEN pushed the up arrow to get another elevator.
THEN, a few years later, after I had moved to a different building, with a different job, I walked out of our office area one day to go to the coffee room. As I walked out of our area into the hall, I saw a lady going into the coffee room. The room is pretty dang small, so I just stood outside the door for a minute, waiting for her to come out. But after a minute, I couldn't hear her doing anything, so I peeked in there to see what she was doing, and again....NO ONE THERE!!!!
Now, I KNOW I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy. It's weird, because I don't really believe in ghosts, but I have absolutely NO explanation for these happenings. I KNOW what I saw and I KNOW what I've heard. So....who knows.
As a side note....when I went to a psychic about a year or so ago, he told me that my brother told him that he likes to come visit once in awhile, that he moves his picture when he does, and that he was annoyed that I'd never noticed it before. Well, guess what. His picture is sitting on a shelf in my living room and I have to straighten the darn thing ALL the time!! It's always pushed sideways. Again, I assume it's the cats, but I have NEVER, EVER seen one of the cats up on that shelf. Never.
I think I'm just haunted!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Fall and Winter - I love you! Hurry please!
Well, Wednesday will be September. And with September comes Fall. I get a little giddy anticipating Fall.
I love Fall, and I love the Winter that follows it.
The crispness of the cool air. The changing colors of the leaves. The rustle of those fallen leaves on the ground as you walk. Not having big trees and thus not having to rake a kajillion bags of leaves this year. (I think Dani has big trees now. Maybe I'll go help her rake this year...just for old times' sake.) Snuggling deep down under the covers for a nap or at bedtime. The smell and sound of the rain. Wearing comfy pajama pants and warm cozy sweatshirts. Fuzzy socks. The smell of snow. The silence of a fresh snowfall. Seeing your breath in the air when you breathe. Icicles. Lower water bills. Cuddling on the couch with a blanket and a good book. Watching the snow fall outside the window. The beauty of the snow covered trees when everything is a winter wonderland. The crunch of snow under your feet. The whole feeling in the air when it is or has snowed. Not having to be a sweat bomb by the time I arrive to work in the morning. That feeling of your nose freezing on the inside when it's REALLY cold. Christmas music. Christmas lights. Christmas shopping. Wrapping paper. All things Christmas.
Oh, I can't wait!!!!!
And to all you hot weather people...don't worry, the 100 degree heat will be back before you know it, just to make me miserable.
I love Fall, and I love the Winter that follows it.
The crispness of the cool air. The changing colors of the leaves. The rustle of those fallen leaves on the ground as you walk. Not having big trees and thus not having to rake a kajillion bags of leaves this year. (I think Dani has big trees now. Maybe I'll go help her rake this year...just for old times' sake.) Snuggling deep down under the covers for a nap or at bedtime. The smell and sound of the rain. Wearing comfy pajama pants and warm cozy sweatshirts. Fuzzy socks. The smell of snow. The silence of a fresh snowfall. Seeing your breath in the air when you breathe. Icicles. Lower water bills. Cuddling on the couch with a blanket and a good book. Watching the snow fall outside the window. The beauty of the snow covered trees when everything is a winter wonderland. The crunch of snow under your feet. The whole feeling in the air when it is or has snowed. Not having to be a sweat bomb by the time I arrive to work in the morning. That feeling of your nose freezing on the inside when it's REALLY cold. Christmas music. Christmas lights. Christmas shopping. Wrapping paper. All things Christmas.
Oh, I can't wait!!!!!
And to all you hot weather people...don't worry, the 100 degree heat will be back before you know it, just to make me miserable.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Some Clarification If You're Interested
Cognitive Dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.
Dissonance increases with:
· The importance of the subject to us.
· How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
· Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.
I think that a lot of my problems have stemmed from the fact that, for as long as I can remember my belief system did not match up with my experiences. My belief system, religion and faith were everything to me. It’s what my life was built around from the time I was born. All things in life were tied to that foundation. It’s what I put my trust in and where I went for strength beyond my own. I never thought that things could be any way other than the way I was taught that they were. But the things I was taught and believed never seemed to work for me for some reason. And when that happened, it was always inferred that it must be because I was lacking in something, that I wasn’t good enough or doing enough – that there must be something I needed to do better or more faithfully. That it had to somehow be my fault. SO, I would work harder. I would try to be better. I would try to do more. I would try harder to be perfect, thinking that when I was finally good enough, THEN things would work for me the way I was told they do. I tried to be obedient. I tried to do the things I was told to do and be who I was supposed to be. But no matter what I did, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever changed. Except that I would get more and more discouraged. More and more depressed. I realized perfection was expected before the gospel would work for me, but I knew that I would never be perfect, no matter how hard I tried. And therefore, I would never “make it”.
It didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t reconcile the contradictions in what I believed with my experience. If what I believed was true, it should work the way it says it does - it couldn’t be any other way. But it didn’t.
And that has been one of the biggest struggles in my life. It HAD to be true. So why didn’t it work for me? Was I just not special or important enough to be bothered with? Did I just not matter at all? Did how much I struggled and hurt and cried not mean anything? Was I just an insignificant nobody? That’s what I finally came to accept as my answer. That yes, my belief system must be true, it was just that I wasn’t good enough to be dealt with or to matter.
But…as you now know, over the last couple of years, my belief system has changed. I learned the concept of cognitive dissonance and realized that’s what I was dealing with. What I was experiencing was the exact definition of it. I held two very contradicting beliefs, and it was destroying me. But when I decided that I could no longer believe in the things I had always believed, my whole foundation was pulled out from under me. The things my whole life had been built on were suddenly gone, and it was the scariest thing I’d ever experienced.
Since then, I have been desperately struggling to figure out what it is I DO believe if I don’t believe in my old system anymore. I didn’t throw the baby out with the bath water, so I still held to some of the beliefs and doctrines that I’d always believed. But among them, there were STILL some things that I had trouble reconciling with my experience. I was still faced with the fact that if those things were true, they would work for me, and I would be experiencing those things in my life. But that still wasn’t the case.
But then, with the help of a very trusted individual, I’ve come to realize that truth is truth. It can’t be both ways. If it’s true, it’s true. If it’s not it’s not. Everyone thinks their beliefs are THE true and correct beliefs, and that everyone else is wrong. But not everyone can be right. Muslim people know that their religion is the truth. Christians know that their religion is the truth. But if Islam is the actual truth, Christianity can not be true. If Christianity is the actual truth, then Judaism can not be true. If Catholicism is the actual truth within Christianity, then the rest of the denominations have it wrong. But there is no actual way for ANYONE to know the real truth while in this life. We’ve all had the blinders put on us for now. We all just have to do the best we can with what we know and what we believe. And so to get rid of the cognitive dissonance that has been destroying me, I have to use my experience to decide what my beliefs are so that they are in synch with each other and I can be in a healthy place.
SO…..if you’re interested in knowing what conclusions I’m coming to…what I have to believe based on my experiences in life…
I believe in God. I believe that He is the creator of all things. I can not believe that all the intricacies of nature and biology and science “just happened”. I believe that He created us, and as such, He is our Father. I believe that Jesus Christ lived and died to atone for our sins, and save our eternal souls. I believe God loves us, as his children – but as a whole. As part of his vast creations. That he watches over the earth to make sure things don’t get out of control or whatever. But I can no longer believe that He knows each and every one of us individually. That He knows who we are, what we’re thinking and feeling. That He has plans for our individual lives that He is leading us through and that He is watching over us. That He hears, comprehends and responds to our individual prayers and thoughts…our hopes and our dreams… our joys and our sorrows. That He shows mercy to us in our individual lives and gives us comfort and eases our loads – alters our situations. I just can’t believe that anymore. Doing so has basically killed me. I think we’re pretty much on our own down here, with just our family and friends, to make what we can out of things and learn what we can while we’re here. But I think it’s just the domino affect of everyone’s individual decisions that make things happen the way they happen. There is no intervention to help one person and not another. Things just happen. One person swallows a bottle of pills that just don’t happen to metabolize properly – so they live - while another shoots themselves in the head – so they die. I think it’s that simple. Even if it's incredibly sad and frightening.
So I will just do the best I can. Live the best life I can. Try to dig down deep to find strength that I’m not sure is there, to endure this somehow. Try to be the best person, friend, daughter, sister and aunt that I can be. Try to help those I love get through their lives in one piece, as best they can. Try to get rid of the cognitive dissonance and somehow finally find peace and happiness in my life. And I’m sure that as I go through my life, different experiences will continue to shape my belief system. And I’ve learned that that’s okay.
P.S. Please don't think I'm trying to say that what any of you believe is invalid or stupid or anything like that at all. I'm simply sharing my experience, beliefs and struggles. Religion and spirituality are very personal things, and everyone has different ideas about it. You have the right to believe what you believe, and I respect that. Totally. Just like I have the right to believe what I believe. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm just sharing my thoughts on the road I'm on.
Dissonance increases with:
· The importance of the subject to us.
· How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
· Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.
I think that a lot of my problems have stemmed from the fact that, for as long as I can remember my belief system did not match up with my experiences. My belief system, religion and faith were everything to me. It’s what my life was built around from the time I was born. All things in life were tied to that foundation. It’s what I put my trust in and where I went for strength beyond my own. I never thought that things could be any way other than the way I was taught that they were. But the things I was taught and believed never seemed to work for me for some reason. And when that happened, it was always inferred that it must be because I was lacking in something, that I wasn’t good enough or doing enough – that there must be something I needed to do better or more faithfully. That it had to somehow be my fault. SO, I would work harder. I would try to be better. I would try to do more. I would try harder to be perfect, thinking that when I was finally good enough, THEN things would work for me the way I was told they do. I tried to be obedient. I tried to do the things I was told to do and be who I was supposed to be. But no matter what I did, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever changed. Except that I would get more and more discouraged. More and more depressed. I realized perfection was expected before the gospel would work for me, but I knew that I would never be perfect, no matter how hard I tried. And therefore, I would never “make it”.
It didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t reconcile the contradictions in what I believed with my experience. If what I believed was true, it should work the way it says it does - it couldn’t be any other way. But it didn’t.
And that has been one of the biggest struggles in my life. It HAD to be true. So why didn’t it work for me? Was I just not special or important enough to be bothered with? Did I just not matter at all? Did how much I struggled and hurt and cried not mean anything? Was I just an insignificant nobody? That’s what I finally came to accept as my answer. That yes, my belief system must be true, it was just that I wasn’t good enough to be dealt with or to matter.
But…as you now know, over the last couple of years, my belief system has changed. I learned the concept of cognitive dissonance and realized that’s what I was dealing with. What I was experiencing was the exact definition of it. I held two very contradicting beliefs, and it was destroying me. But when I decided that I could no longer believe in the things I had always believed, my whole foundation was pulled out from under me. The things my whole life had been built on were suddenly gone, and it was the scariest thing I’d ever experienced.
Since then, I have been desperately struggling to figure out what it is I DO believe if I don’t believe in my old system anymore. I didn’t throw the baby out with the bath water, so I still held to some of the beliefs and doctrines that I’d always believed. But among them, there were STILL some things that I had trouble reconciling with my experience. I was still faced with the fact that if those things were true, they would work for me, and I would be experiencing those things in my life. But that still wasn’t the case.
But then, with the help of a very trusted individual, I’ve come to realize that truth is truth. It can’t be both ways. If it’s true, it’s true. If it’s not it’s not. Everyone thinks their beliefs are THE true and correct beliefs, and that everyone else is wrong. But not everyone can be right. Muslim people know that their religion is the truth. Christians know that their religion is the truth. But if Islam is the actual truth, Christianity can not be true. If Christianity is the actual truth, then Judaism can not be true. If Catholicism is the actual truth within Christianity, then the rest of the denominations have it wrong. But there is no actual way for ANYONE to know the real truth while in this life. We’ve all had the blinders put on us for now. We all just have to do the best we can with what we know and what we believe. And so to get rid of the cognitive dissonance that has been destroying me, I have to use my experience to decide what my beliefs are so that they are in synch with each other and I can be in a healthy place.
SO…..if you’re interested in knowing what conclusions I’m coming to…what I have to believe based on my experiences in life…
I believe in God. I believe that He is the creator of all things. I can not believe that all the intricacies of nature and biology and science “just happened”. I believe that He created us, and as such, He is our Father. I believe that Jesus Christ lived and died to atone for our sins, and save our eternal souls. I believe God loves us, as his children – but as a whole. As part of his vast creations. That he watches over the earth to make sure things don’t get out of control or whatever. But I can no longer believe that He knows each and every one of us individually. That He knows who we are, what we’re thinking and feeling. That He has plans for our individual lives that He is leading us through and that He is watching over us. That He hears, comprehends and responds to our individual prayers and thoughts…our hopes and our dreams… our joys and our sorrows. That He shows mercy to us in our individual lives and gives us comfort and eases our loads – alters our situations. I just can’t believe that anymore. Doing so has basically killed me. I think we’re pretty much on our own down here, with just our family and friends, to make what we can out of things and learn what we can while we’re here. But I think it’s just the domino affect of everyone’s individual decisions that make things happen the way they happen. There is no intervention to help one person and not another. Things just happen. One person swallows a bottle of pills that just don’t happen to metabolize properly – so they live - while another shoots themselves in the head – so they die. I think it’s that simple. Even if it's incredibly sad and frightening.
So I will just do the best I can. Live the best life I can. Try to dig down deep to find strength that I’m not sure is there, to endure this somehow. Try to be the best person, friend, daughter, sister and aunt that I can be. Try to help those I love get through their lives in one piece, as best they can. Try to get rid of the cognitive dissonance and somehow finally find peace and happiness in my life. And I’m sure that as I go through my life, different experiences will continue to shape my belief system. And I’ve learned that that’s okay.
P.S. Please don't think I'm trying to say that what any of you believe is invalid or stupid or anything like that at all. I'm simply sharing my experience, beliefs and struggles. Religion and spirituality are very personal things, and everyone has different ideas about it. You have the right to believe what you believe, and I respect that. Totally. Just like I have the right to believe what I believe. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm just sharing my thoughts on the road I'm on.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Update: Hairbrush
P.S. My mom found the missing hairbrush. It was in a plastic sack buried under stuff on my dryer. Go figure.
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